Choosing

Drops in The Bucket

It’s been a week. A week of challenging days and rough moments. Nothing earth shatter or moving, nothing life altering -just normal, everyday life. With broken relationships and shattered dreams and crushed ideas of what this world should look like, what my life should look like. Selfishness getting the better of me, I don’t know. It’s been a week.

A week that I have went to bed way earlier than I even care to admit to. A week that I have pulled the covers over my head and wished it all away.

I tried to remind myself -over and over, that these things are just small issues in light of everything else. In light of people dying and getting sick, in light of so much else -these things are simple drops in the bucket. But the bucket is already so full, that these drops make everything seem like so much more than it already is.

Things are so carefully balanced upon each other right now, that the wrong move, wrong word, wrong look -can send me barreling over the edge…at a time in my life when I really need things to be steady, they are anything but. And I have to learn that it is ok.

I need to learn to take a time out, to properly manage my stress and frustrations and not turn into a basket case on people who are just starting to get to know me. I know that, for next time, but that doesn’t help -this time.

I get jealous, so so so jealous -of people who only have to deal with these seemingly simple issues, on their own…and then try to remind myself that they too, have other issues. They just know how to manage them better. Just last week, I met one of the happiest, friendliest, nicest people in the world. One of those people who ooze happiness on everyone they see -yet have a real deep sense of the world around them, enough to know just how to comfort you. And then I found out she is battling cancer.

With two young kids.

And a smile that could slay dragons.

…and here I am, bemoaning about my issues that could be here today and gone tomorrow yet somehow, bring me to my knees.

I want to be that person -who can smile and laugh through the worst of times, but I don’t know how. Because these small, insignificant problems I have today, seem like major mountains that will never be moved. I want to be that person -the one I know I can be, the one I know I once was. But I don’t know how to be. Because everything comes at once and threatens to overwhelm…and then it takes over.

There is no room for happiness, there is no room to see the light. There is no room for good. Because my life is so filled with the opposite.

But I refuse to let these moments define me. I refuse to be categorized as a negative person who refuses to see the light. I must come up. I must regain my footing, and I must do it quickly…because there are plenty of dragons out there that need slaying and I am tired of being one of them.

Rising Above

Close to probably five years ago there was a couple I knew. An older couple who had been married for years. Many years. They were, in my mind, the idol of marriage. They were what one should strive to be like. Their attitudes, outlook and perspective on life was something to be desired. About five years ago -the wife landed herself in the hospital. The particulars were hushed, the details were secret and the information private.

I brought them coffee and a news paper every morning, for no reason other than I felt absolutely helpless but wanted to do something. It was a small task that didn’t require much effort on my part -and a task that I didn’t even know if they appreciated.

A few short months later -she passed away.

It was only then that the details slowly began to emerge, details that literally -made me sick to the stomach and made me wonder if bringing coffee and newspapers only made the situation worse. It wasn’t even a few months after she had passed -did he show up at my house with a box of cookies and a card.

A handwritten note from him and his wife -thanking me for the daily coffee and newspapers. The “little bit of normalcy” in their dark days. I remember thinking how -in his deep pain and anguish -he had taken the time to thank me for something so simple and stupid. The task he performed did not go overlooked -simply going to a grocery store to buy something was a task I found to be a challenge at best -even years after my loss. Writing a note -with her name, and delivering it -holding a conversation in which he openly admitted to crying daily…

It is something I will never forget and something that will forever be etched in my mind and heart.

To do something for others is one thing -but to do something for others when you are hurting so badly -is another. It comes from a much deeper part of the heart.

Which is why I decided that instead of drowning in self pity and despair -I am going to choose to do things for others. Even, or especially when, I don’t feel like it. On those days when seeing daylight is so, so hard -I am going to put others first. I am going to do something kind for someone else.

I am going to kick this sadness. I am going to beat this despair.

I might not ever be ok again. I might not ever think of certain things without spiraling downwards.

The hardest thing in my life is knowing that while my life is seemingly out of control and I am completely crushed -there are other people out there. People who are hurting. Just because my heart aches, does not mean the rest of the world has ceased to exist. Instead of giving into my desire to pull the covers over my head and not face the world -I am going to face it head on.

I am going to push through. I am not going to be beat down.

Someone told me once that your life -your words -can have an impact on others. Your simple deeds can hurt someone so badly…or they can help keep someone from the despair of suicide. I am clinging to that hope. Clinging to the tiny shards of hope that maybe -just maybe -my actions will have an impact on others…and if not, at least I am not allowing myself to be swallowed alive -regardless of how badly I want to be.

be-kind

Dont forget to stop

Sometimes I get upset with this broken world, full of selfish, stuck up, self centered people.  Such as myself.

Sometimes I really just don’t understand this world.  These people.  Who are in such a hurry to get from one point to another.

Sometimes I just want to yell at them to STOP.  GETTING.  SO.  CAUGHT.  UP.  In things that don’t matter.

Sometimes I do.  I do tell them this.  But the words fall on deaf ears.  Because people?  Are in such a big hurry.  A hurry, to hurry up and wait.

Sometimes I wish people would tell me to just STOP.  And take it all in.

Sometimes I wonder where these people are going.  So fast.  In such a hurry.

Sometimes I watch people, so frantic.  So fast.  Hurrying, scurrying.  Running.  Speeding.

Sometimes I wish for a slower pace of life.  Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to be a part of this hurried world.  In such a hurry that they don’t stop and realize whats important.

In a world with instant everything.  In a world of fast cars.  Moving sidewalks.  Airplanes.  Microwaves.  Email.  Drive-throughs.  Express delivery.  Telephones.  Smart phones.

In a world where you want it – you got it.

I think we forget.  I think we forget that we arent the only ones here.  That there are others out there, and sometimes – we just need to slow down.  Put the brakes on.  Enjoy each others company.  Book some time off to do absolutely nothing.  Travel.  See the world.  Let someone cross the street.

But instead.  We create groups where we celebrate, and pat each other on the backs for doing things that we already SHOULD be doing!  We praise people who do simple acts of kindness.  We call them heros when they save their neighbor from a burning building.  But why?  Shouldn’t we all be doing this?  Shouldn’t we all be reaching our hands out to help another?  Shouldn’t we all be stopping to help that older person cross the street, or smile at the little boy bouncing down the road?

In a world filled with self-centered people, on the look out to better themselves – we forget.  We lose the significance of a small childs laugh, and forget to see the good in a red light.  We forget.  Or we choose not to see.  Or we cant see.  Because our eyes are filled with deadlines, and due dates, projects, and self pronounced busyness.

While we are busy being too busy – life is ticking by.  Kids are growing up.  People are hurting.  The world is hurting.  But we are too busy to notice.  Instead we swing by the drive through, while on our phone, booking our next meeting.  We blaze past the old woman on the side of the road, and don’t think twice about the little boy crying.

Until its us.

Until we are old, and need help.  Until we can no longer meet our constant demands and then we realize – while we were too busy being busy, we have forgotten the only thing that really matters.  To look outside of ourselves, and help someone in need.  Because you never know when you will need a hand, or an ear, or a kind voice at the end of the line.

Instead of praising ourselves for giving a homeless man 5 cents – why don’t we scold ourselves for not thinking of others more often?

Don’t forget to pause, smile, offer a kind word.  You never know whos day you will brighten, just by giving a small bit of yourself.  Just by making a habit of being nice to others – even in your self proclaimed busyness.  Because one day, I guarantee – you will need a smile just to get you through the day, and if you don’t share one with someone – who will share one with you?

I believe

I believe.

I believe that having a bad day does not mean you are depressed.

I believe that spanking your kids does not make you a bad parent.

I believe that a smile can turn anyones day around.

I believe that everyone is too busy being busy, in a rat race of life.

I believe that if we all slowed down, and took time to appreciate what we had – we wouldn’t want more.

I believe that the sky is grey, and not blue.

I believe that the sun exists.  Behind the clouds.

I believe that behind the clouds of many people, is sun.

I believe that many people choose not to look beyond.

I believe that so many people hurt.  Yet cover it up.  Out of fear.  And shame.

I believe that everyone is fighting a battle.  A hard battle.

I believe that being kind to someone does no harm.

I believe that life is short.  Time is quick.  Moments are fleeting.

I believe that love is hard.

I believe that it will be ok.  If not today, tomorrow.  If not tomorrow, the next day.

I believe that a positive attitude goes far.  So far.

I believe that many people choose the easy route.  The same route.  The boring route.

I believe that people are scared.  And that their choices, day in and out – reflect their fears.

I believe that life is hard.  People are mean.  And feelings are real.

I believe that sometimes, you just need that extra boost.

I believe that kids are brats.  Yes, even yours.  Even mine.

I believe that kids grow up to be adults, who are also brats.

I believe that adults who grow up being brats – hurt other people.  On purpose, because they are scared.

I believe that people need to grow up, and stop hurting others.

I believe that we humans have great potential, but we have been beat down so far, by others, by ourselves, by society, by life – that we forget to stop.  To look outside the box.  To see the good in others.  To smile.  To give a helping hand.  To help someone else.

I believe.  That you are more than you think you are.

I believe that you want to be more.  But maybe you don’t think you can be.

I believe.

I believe because I know.  I have been that kid.  That adult.  I have been hurt, and I have hurt others.  Intentionally, and unintentionally.  I believed that I could be nothing.  And I believe that while I might not be a great name in history, that maybe I could do something small.

I believe.  That with a positive attitude, a smile, and a little luck – you too, can do something.  No matter how small.

“Small things can make a big difference.  It takes only a small pin to burst a big balloon.”