Tonight I climbed into bed way earlier than I should have. On the way to bed I passed by clothes strewn on the floor, dishes pouring out of the sink and way more dog and cat hair than I care to admit to. It’s been an extremely long weekend, a really long year and an even longer eleven years.
As much as I would like to say that I am in as good of a place as I was last year –I can’t. Because I’m not. A lot has been sandwiched in-between these two years, and a whole lot has taken place over the past eleven. I could beat myself up, for feeling the way I do –sad, depressed, upset, frustrated, angry…but I won’t. At least not tonight. I will cut myself some slack –but just for tonight.
You see, eleven years ago I faced the one thing that I was certain I would never get up from. Holding her as she took her final breaths –leaving her behind and moving forward –both figuratively and literally –has been, and will always be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There simply are no words to explain how it feels to watch everything go down the drain in front of your eyes while you stand by –helplessly unable to do the very thing you were called to do.
There are no words to explain how life altering and uprooting it feels to be told that you, as a father, are helpless to do anything. The only thing you can now do is stand by and watch as your daughter dies. There are no words and so I will spare the world my attempts.
A lot has happened in these past eleven years. So much. So much has changed and moved. Time has ticked by –fast at times and slow at others. But steady. All along. Ticking by. I haven’t always been a willing participant in this life –there were times when giving up just seemed like the thing to do…and while I have been able to say in the past that time has helped me come to grips with this seemingly senseless occurrence, I can’t say that today.
Because today, I miss her.
Tonight I would do just about anything to have her back.
To just hold her, and tell her –one last time just how much I loved her.
Last year, I was in a place where I could see the light. I didn’t understand why –but I could accept what I couldn’t accept. I was moving forward –regardless of how slow. I was doing her justice by not wishing that I could have her back –no matter for how long. I was letting her go.
But this year, tonight, I can’t. I can’t let her go. I can’t let her memory slide. I can’t forget her. I can’t move on. Regardless of how long it has been –I still miss her…and I still wish to hold her once again.
I miss you, little one. I miss you more than words can ever say.