Sometimes, there just are no words.
People tell me I need to keep writing. That it is ‘good’ to keep writing. Yet I don’t feel this way. Because I just…
It is all that comes to mind. All that seems to sum things up. It is the only thing that makes any sense at any given moment. When my words only seem to tie my mind up, holding everything else hostage in its mangled mess of madness “I just” is the only thing that will set me free.
I just don’t understand. I just can’t deal with this. I just don’t want to deal today. I just. I just. I just.
When the pain is so thick, when I feel it pulsing through my veins and come through my fingertips, when I can barely function –yet smile at the crowds and comfort those around me with an “I am fine…but really, how are YOU?” The words, they comfort me. “I just…”
Why bother others with my tales of woe? Why disclose how I really feel when there is nothing that can be done. When it only brings on more pain and more empty hope? When every stone has been overturned, and every avenue explored –why bother looking for something when there is absolutely nothing? When I search for answers, purpose, meaning and help –the words are always there to bring me back around…”I just…”
I just don’t know. I just can’t wrap my mind around it. I just don’t know how I will do another day. I just don’t know why I would want to.
When people tell me well-meaning things, when people seem to have moved on, when people don’t understand, when others forget, when guilt moves in…the words are there to help combat and offset. “I just…”
Because they hold very little meaning. They mean absolutely nothing. They hold no greater meaning. They just sum up what I can’t in a neat, two word sentence…they say everything and nothing, because I just…
I just don’t know anymore.
I just don’t care.
I just can’t.