This afternoon we assembled in court. Normally I would have a few weeks to panic about it. Rehearse my lines, and hash out the what ifs. I had a few days to try and remember the day and not miss the time. I didn’t have time to panic this morning, didn’t have time to rehearse or hash. It just was.
He looked tired. Defeated. Flattened. His eyes were dull, there was no smile, no spunk, no life.
Court was to determine if he would have a place to stay in town, or if he would be sent out of town for help that would be more fitting.
It’s not a place in life I ever expected to see, and seeing him flattened and so tired looking was not something I was prepared for. Even if I had time to rehearse, panic and prepare – that wouldn’t have been on the list. Seeing him completely give up on life, not just mentally but physically and emotionally, was harder than I would have expected, if I would have been expecting it.
Few words were exchanged. The atmosphere was more solemn than I am used to in regards to him. Even the last visit that ended with him yelling and screaming –gave some hope. At least he was fighting. At least he had something in him that made him want to fight –even if it was to fight against the help. Fighting. Is good. And today, there was none of that.
I busied myself this evening with everything I could. I told myself that as long as he was there –he was safe, and I didn’t need to worry. And it worked. Until I sat down, and the reality of everything came rushing in.
For once, I want to grab him and run off to some magical land where everything is just ok. I want to tell him to fight, dammit. I want to intentionally make him mad –just to see something. Anything. I want to tell him that he HAS to fight. I don’t know why, he just does. Because it’s not fair. It’s not fair that he gets to give up. As selfish as that sounds, it’s just not.
I want to tell him that he doesn’t GET to give up. That he HAS to fight, for reasons I just can’t explain. I want to tell him that it will be ok –even though I don’t know for sure how, I just know it will be because it has to be. Because it just does.
I want to make him realize that while life does suck – it can get better. It will get better. It has to. I don’t know how, it just does. Because this isn’t fair. To him. To anyone. I hate to see anyone suffer, but to watch someone so close to you, someone that means so much to you – struggle to the point where they simply cannot fight anymore, is just hard.
It has to be ok. For no reason other than it simply just has to be.