Risky

“Do you consider yourself to be a risk taker?”

Up until last night I would have answered without giving much thought to it.  Of course I am.  I would love to sky dive, Parasail, and any other death defying stunts.  I love to travel, want to see more of the world and have always had a need for extremes.  But have I?  Well, no.  I guess I havent.  The most extreme I have gone is flying solo across the oceans to a foreign land.  But that’s as adventurous as I have gotten, and even that wasn’t very adventurous.  I met up with people I knew.  It took me a month to work up the courage to go to the grocery store – alone.

Risks, are, well, risky.  But I do take them.  If you consider getting out of bed every morning, going to work, and coming home a risk – then yes.  I take risks.  Changing laundry soap requires a two week drawn out process in which I examine the ins and outs, pros and cons – and then, only if the grocery store laundry soap aisle is empty – will I consider changing laundry soaps.  It’s a risk – that laundry soap is.  Talking to the grocery store clerk is another risk I weigh every time I go shopping.  Scouting out the less ‘risky’ check out.

I guess I might not be that big of a risk taker after all.

Im a creature of habit.  I do what I do, because its what I know.  The people I hang out with think pretty much along the same track as I do, and when someone asks me a question (outside my tiny knit circle) it’s a loaded question – that requires deep thought.  I must answer them – how they want me to.  I must impress.  I must make them accept me, and my answer.  And lets not go beyond the superficial stuff please.  Don’t call me out in the middle of a crowded room to ask what ocean I drive by and look at every day.  Just don’t.  Because I wont have the answer.  And I will probably never talk to you again.

Im not a risk taker, after all.

I generally think before reacting.  Atleast in situations that I am not comfortable with.  Often leading to even more awkward situations.  Where reacting a few steps behind gets some not so pleasurable results.  I buy the same brands, the same foods, and shop the same times.  Every Wednesday night, once a week.  I could tell you the route I take through the store, and how when someone is blocking the aisle I have to go down – I will take a detour, even if it means tracking ½ way through the store JUST to avoid a certain person.

And yet, I somehow, consider myself to be – a risk taker.

I want to be one of those people who can pack a small bag, stick my thumb out and trek around the world.  Solo.  Without a care or a fear in the world.  But I cant.  Because I would never hitch hike – not because I am afraid of it, but because of the fear of risk.  The risk of putting someone else out.  The risk of having to talk to a stranger.  The risk.  Of someone asking me what I am doing, and why am I doing it, and explaining all that to a complete stranger?  Is not something I care to do.

I suppose you could say that traveling, is a risk in and of itself.  But its not really.  I travel with a group of people I know well.  I cant say I would ever go alone.  Infact, I know I wouldn’t.  I travel to foreign lands – with a group of people I know well enough that it doesn’t feel so foreign.

I suppose you could say that getting up and going to work – every morning, is a risk.  Buying a different laundry soap, is a risk.  Talking to a stranger – a risk.  In that sense, then yes.  I am a risk taker.  I get up every morning.  I corral unpredictable kids, and drop them off at school.  Risks.  Risks.  Risks.  I go to work.  I talk with strangers.  I write.  I put myself out there.  These things are all risky, and perhaps – by doing them, I feel like I can sky dive.

By taking risks, that may seem like everyday mundane things to most people – I feel as though I can conquer the world.  Sure, changing brands, buying a different scent of laundry soap may not be that big of a deal to anyone.  But to me, it’s a calculated risk, with pros and cons – and if I can over come that?  Then sure.  Why not stick my thumb out there, and hitchhike across the world?

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