I read the writings of people and I think “That. That’s what I want to write. That’s who I want to be like. That’s how I want my words to come out, and my thoughts to sound. That right there.”
I see other people, I see families who hold down jobs, are successful, drive nice cars, live in nicer houses, and have the best behaved kids. They never speak out of line, and always are friendly, outgoing, and easy to please. And I think “That. That right there is what I want. That is my big goal. That’s who I will be like.”
I see people who are happy the way they are. Not just putting on a face to show you what you think you want to see. These people are honestly happy, no matter what. They smile in the rain, they help the homeless, they give their last penny to the poor. They don’t think twice about lending a hand, and never are upset. And I think “That. That right there is who I am going to be like. That’s who I will strive to be like. That’s what the world needs more of, and that’s what I am going to be. More. More good.”
And then I take a deep breath, and shake myself back into reality. I pull my eyes out of the dead stare I was always taught not to do, and glue my eyes back where they belong. In my life. In my reality. The one that I have fought so hard to hold together. The one that I struggled and fought against, and held the broken shards when there was nothing left. The life that has grated me up and down the broken edges and ran me over countless times.
This life, that is nothing that anyone would want.
This life that is so difficult, and confusing, and complicated. This life that I swear at in the middle of the night, in the middle of a quiet street. Words of profanity, words I don’t want to say, but do. Words that sting, and hurt, and wake the neighbors out of their big, soft beds only to have them shake their heads.
My reality that is sustained by the next cup of coffee and bag of jelly beans – atleast they have fruit flavors added. My reality that I fought into existence, and worked my fingers to the bone to hold onto. This reality that is nothing like I pictured, and never would have picked. This life where nothing seems to go right. Where the one thing I want is constantly just out of reach – right beyond me, just far enough to taunt and tease, and give me a taste of “What if…”
My life that is nothing like the others. My words that don’t come out right, and my actions that are held inside while my mind screams “DO IT” and someone jumps in just before I work up the courage to. This life that is nothing perfect. With kids who are not orderly.
As I fight back the angry words, and clench my fists in anger because. Because I just said no. I just said STOP. And as visions of perfect families, and flowing words and clean floors flash through my mind, I yell the words I wish I didn’t, and cringe as soon as they leave my mouth. Words that sting, and hurt, and arent ½ way true.
We will never be “That family” that everyone wants to be. I will never have “That life” that someone craves to have a piece of. I will never be “That person” that everyone wants to be like. And mostly, I am ok with that. There are things I would change, actions I would undo, and words I would unsay. But the rest of the stuff? The people I mingle with, the lives I intertwine with, the words I do write? I wouldn’t change.
I am who I am, and I am mostly ok with it. No one else may be ok with the things I have done, everyone might have a word of criticism, and I don’t expect to be on the best sellers list, or make the parent of the year list. I don’t even look for my name to be an honorable mention in the way that friends go – because when it comes on down to it, I am pretty much the “What not to do” when it comes to living.
My life is nothing to be modeled after. My actions nothing worth following. My skills nothing to be desired. But its all that I have, and while there is much that I would change, there is also much that I wouldn’t. I hope one day, when I look back on today, I will see myself – a person who tried. Who failed. And who got back up and kept trying.