I have always found it interesting, that looking back over the year – you can see so much that has happened, when through out the day to day, meaningless task – everything seems the same.
Looking back over this past year, I see many changes. Yet, much like a flip book – the years just flash by before they are just gone.
I always save writing something today, for today. In the past I have stressed about what to say, and then the day comes – and it takes maybe five minutes to say what Im trying. And much like in the past – this year, I have worried that the words wouldn’t come. And so far, they havent.
Which is ok.
Because one thing that I have been afraid to admit, is that life? Is ok. 99% of the time, life is ok. Sure there are those moments that catch me off guard. And I suppose there always will be. But for the most part, things are ok. Somehow.
Somehow, in the midst of the mundane tasks, and the in and outs of life, I have become ok with things.
It’s a scary and somewhat hard thing to admit. As if admitting to it, will somehow undo all the work I have done to get to this point. As if admitting will somehow make her less. As if admitting will somehow, change things.
I still miss her, and suspect I might always. I still get mad at certain things. Still get jealous of others. I still am not completely ok with the fact that she is gone. But I am ok with that. Im ok with where I am. Im ok with missing her, Im ok with not being ok with certain things.
Its funny, because looking back – I cant point out the day when I first smiled. I don’t remember when I went a stretch of time without being upset. There wasn’t a day when I sat down and decided that life was going to be ok. It just happened. Over time. Slowly. Little by little. And much like life, when I look back over the years, I can see the changes – slowly taking place.
And while I wish, that we could have just skipped this day – Ive learned that wishing doesn’t change anything. All I can do is accept the fact that I might never be ok with her being gone – and that it will just have to be ok. I still get up everyday, I still face the world. I laugh, and enjoy things. And somehow have managed to make it this far. Ive reached a point where life seems almost doable. But I still wont forget her. Not now, and not ever.
I still miss you little one, somehow.