January 11, 2014

I have always found it interesting, that looking back over the year – you can see so much that has happened, when through out the day to day, meaningless task – everything seems the same.

Looking back over this past year, I see many changes.  Yet, much like a flip book – the years just flash by before they are just gone.

I always save writing something today, for today.  In the past I have stressed about what to say, and then the day comes – and it takes maybe five minutes to say what Im trying.  And much like in the past – this year, I have worried that the words wouldn’t come.  And so far, they havent.

Which is ok.

Because one thing that I have been afraid to admit, is that life?  Is ok.  99% of the time, life is ok.  Sure there are those moments that catch me off guard.  And I suppose there always will be.  But for the most part, things are ok.  Somehow.

Somehow, in the midst of the mundane tasks, and the in and outs of life, I have become ok with things.

It’s a scary and somewhat hard thing to admit.  As if admitting to it, will somehow undo all the work I have done to get to this point.  As if admitting will somehow make her less.  As if admitting will somehow, change things.

I still miss her, and suspect I might always.  I still get mad at certain things.  Still get jealous of others.  I still am not completely ok with the fact that she is gone.  But I am ok with that.  Im ok with where I am.  Im ok with missing her, Im ok with not being ok with certain things.

Its funny, because looking back – I cant point out the day when I first smiled.  I don’t remember when I went a stretch of time without being upset.  There wasn’t a day when I sat down and decided that life was going to be ok.  It just happened.  Over time.  Slowly.  Little by little.  And much like life, when I look back over the years, I can see the changes – slowly taking place.

And while I wish, that we could have just skipped this day – Ive learned that wishing doesn’t change anything.  All I can do is accept the fact that I might never be ok with her being gone – and that it will just have to be ok.  I still get up everyday, I still face the world.  I laugh, and enjoy things.  And somehow have managed to make it this far.  Ive reached a point where life seems almost doable.  But I still wont forget her.  Not now, and not ever.

e13

I still miss you little one, somehow.

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