This season has been a weird one. I have struggled, on more than one account, to put it into words. Just how things are, and how I am feeling so very thankless during a very thankful season. But every time I try to put it into words – I was met with an interruption that drove my already not so thankful mind, even further down the thankless road. Until I realized that the interruptions were only temporary, and I should learn to enjoy them instead of pushing them aside.
Its been up and down. Thankful, Pissed off, Happy, Mad. One extreme to the other, and each night I have crawled into bed, even more exhausted than the night before. Mornings came all too early, and nights didn’t seem to come quick enough. The hours between simply vanished into the busyness of life, work, school, kids, family, company, etc, etc, etc, etc.
I realize that everyone is busy. That everyone goes through those periods in which it seems like there is no end. Like everyday is a fight. A struggle. A battle against all odds. I think sometimes, I forget to realize that life, while complex, complicated, frustrating, and I will be lucky to make it another year with ANY hair… still has some good. Be it the random moment in the day where everyone is happy, or the break in the rain.
Sometimes I get so self proclaimed, “busy” that I forget to live. Everyone grows older, the sun rises and sets and rises and sets and the calendar pages turn faster than even. One day the kids clothes don’t fit, and the next they are talking college. Sometimes I get so hung up on the little snags along the way, that I don’t realize there is a whole damn sweater still here.
And its really kind of sad.
I get mad when people act this way. When they seemingly are unable to see the good in the own life, when I can see it so clearly. I can see that they have perfectly healthy, mostly happy kids who don’t require much work. I can see that they have the family they always dreamed of, the house they have always wanted, and a car that takes them from point a to point b with nary a thought. I see that they have bank accounts bursting with money – in evidence at the grocery store. And I see that they are smiling, happy, and getting ready for a “Wonderful season” and yet. And yet they choose to complain. And pick out the one thing in their life that is hard, and focus on that…
But me? In all my busy, frantic, chaotic mess of a life – am doing the same thing. Im picking out the negative, focusing on the dirty, and refusing to see the good. I guess because its easier. Because its more familiar. Because it’s a safe square to land on. How can you get shoved down if you are already down, sort of mind set. And yet I complain because I am tired of being “down.”
Its hard for me to verbalize the good. To say everything is going ok, and list things that I am happy about. Somehow, somewhere, I fear that someone – will read the list as a dare of sorts. And one by one, check my happy things off the list.
And yet, Im cautiously working towards being less skeptical. Im slowly learning to accept that sometimes life just sucks and there is no reason for it. Im finally becoming brave enough to say that life IS ok, sometimes. And that I don’t need to constantly fear. Im gradually letting myself step out. Im opening myself up to more pain, more sorrow, and more disappointment. And yet for some reason, it just seems right.
To miss out on the boys lives because I am too scared to see things how they REALLY are? To miss out on opportunities because of fear? Is this really what I want to be teaching them? To be scared of life? To back down when things get hard, and never get back up because it might suck out there?
I look back over the last year and see the whirlwind of life that I barely noticed and realize – I wasn’t in control of every single detail…and yet somehow, things were ok. I didn’t have time to monitor every ones comings and goings, and didn’t follow up on everything like I should. And you know what? We survived.
True, life sucks sometimes – for no apparent reason. But it doesn’t have to suck all the time. And this year? Might just be the year for that