Somehow, Just like that

Most days I bounce between unusually insane, and slightly un-normal.  Its ok there, its familiar, safe and no one expects much from you.  But on certain days I just like to test the waters and see what it would be like – to be a little less than normal.  Just to remind myself that Im really not as far gone as I thought I was, I suppose.  And most years – that happens right around this time.  For the past three days, I have been working on something.  Ive gotten myself so caught up in it – that last night, in a moment of extreme frustration I had to take an hour break – because I was going to smash anything and everything in my path.

January 8 is a hard day.  And usually – I can walk myself through it and come out the other side on the 12th with a full blow panic attack and then I walk away like nothing happened.  Until next year.

Its one of those things that you know is coming, you see it coming, and you don’t want it to come – and so instead of facing it full on, I look the other way and hope for the best.  I try to tell myself that since it has been so long, it shouldn’t matter.  And it shouldn’t.  Except it does.  And because it does my mind pulls a fast one on me, and Im left wondering if maybe, just maybe, I am as crazy as I once thought.

Almost nine years ago.

The number, does a number to me.  More so this year than years past.  Because nine just doesn’t seem possible.  I just got comfortable with eight.  I was ok with eight.  Eight didn’t seem so bad.  But nine.  Seems so final.  So real.  So…long.

I worry that because of the time – that I am not missing her.  I am only missing the memory, of her.  That because so much time has passed, maybe I don’t really remember her correctly.  After all, how could I?  I worry that Im upset over someone – who I barely knew.  That maybe Im blowing this all out of proportion.  That maybe its wrong to miss someone so bad, when its been so long.  Most of all, I worry that Im stuck.  That Im stuck in the zone where I cant get out.  Where Im consumed by the guilt, and pain of losing her.  I worry that I wont ever move on.  That I wont be able to see light again.  That maybe there wasn’t light.  That maybe I have been stuck.

Logic doesn’t work on days like today.  I cant reason with myself.  I cant remind myself that 99.9% of the time I am ok.  Really, honestly, truly, ok.  I cant tell myself that just a few days ago I WAS ok.  And that life?  Is generally good.  And that crazy place I bounce around in?  Is ok!  Because when I try, the only thing that comes to mind is – why.  Why am I not ok today?  Why, if I am so “Ok” am I not able to get through this stretch of time without losing my mind if I put too much thought into it?  Why, if I am so ok, do I have to remind myself today to think about OTHER things?

I worry that come the 12th, I will go off the deep end.  That it will all catch up to me, and maybe this time…I wont come back.  I worry that, maybe this time, I wont swing back up.  That maybe this is the time that life says “You suck” once more.  Maybe this is the time I say screw it.  Maybe this is the time that I cant think about other things.

More than anything, I dread the day when yet another year is tactlessly added to the seemingly endless years.  I dread the day when eight, turns to nine.  And another year has gone.  Just like that.  Somehow.  And yet.  Its ok.  I tell myself that it will return to ‘normal.’  I will become best friends with nine, and next year I will beg it not to leave me empty – yet again.

Its been too long.  Too many years.

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