Most days I bounce between unusually insane, and slightly un-normal. Its ok there, its familiar, safe and no one expects much from you. But on certain days I just like to test the waters and see what it would be like – to be a little less than normal. Just to remind myself that Im really not as far gone as I thought I was, I suppose. And most years – that happens right around this time. For the past three days, I have been working on something. Ive gotten myself so caught up in it – that last night, in a moment of extreme frustration I had to take an hour break – because I was going to smash anything and everything in my path.
January 8 is a hard day. And usually – I can walk myself through it and come out the other side on the 12th with a full blow panic attack and then I walk away like nothing happened. Until next year.
Its one of those things that you know is coming, you see it coming, and you don’t want it to come – and so instead of facing it full on, I look the other way and hope for the best. I try to tell myself that since it has been so long, it shouldn’t matter. And it shouldn’t. Except it does. And because it does my mind pulls a fast one on me, and Im left wondering if maybe, just maybe, I am as crazy as I once thought.
Almost nine years ago.
The number, does a number to me. More so this year than years past. Because nine just doesn’t seem possible. I just got comfortable with eight. I was ok with eight. Eight didn’t seem so bad. But nine. Seems so final. So real. So…long.
I worry that because of the time – that I am not missing her. I am only missing the memory, of her. That because so much time has passed, maybe I don’t really remember her correctly. After all, how could I? I worry that Im upset over someone – who I barely knew. That maybe Im blowing this all out of proportion. That maybe its wrong to miss someone so bad, when its been so long. Most of all, I worry that Im stuck. That Im stuck in the zone where I cant get out. Where Im consumed by the guilt, and pain of losing her. I worry that I wont ever move on. That I wont be able to see light again. That maybe there wasn’t light. That maybe I have been stuck.
Logic doesn’t work on days like today. I cant reason with myself. I cant remind myself that 99.9% of the time I am ok. Really, honestly, truly, ok. I cant tell myself that just a few days ago I WAS ok. And that life? Is generally good. And that crazy place I bounce around in? Is ok! Because when I try, the only thing that comes to mind is – why. Why am I not ok today? Why, if I am so “Ok” am I not able to get through this stretch of time without losing my mind if I put too much thought into it? Why, if I am so ok, do I have to remind myself today to think about OTHER things?
I worry that come the 12th, I will go off the deep end. That it will all catch up to me, and maybe this time…I wont come back. I worry that, maybe this time, I wont swing back up. That maybe this is the time that life says “You suck” once more. Maybe this is the time I say screw it. Maybe this is the time that I cant think about other things.
More than anything, I dread the day when yet another year is tactlessly added to the seemingly endless years. I dread the day when eight, turns to nine. And another year has gone. Just like that. Somehow. And yet. Its ok. I tell myself that it will return to ‘normal.’ I will become best friends with nine, and next year I will beg it not to leave me empty – yet again.
Its been too long. Too many years.