The longest break I ever took from writing was a month. It wasn’t intentional, it just happened. It was at a place in life where a break was needed, and instead of writing about everything, I needed to grab a hold of it with both hands and be present for a while. This break, while not intentional, has been a much needed break. And while I cant say for sure, that I will be back for good – I am back for today. And that’s all Im promising.
About a month ago, I noticed mushrooms popping up in the front yard. I figured they would just go away, and didn’t pay much attention. Until a few days later there were more mushrooms. And a few days after that – there were even more. It got to the point where I would ignore the front lawn, because if I ignored it – they would surely go away. And then it froze – and all life was sucked from the mushrooms and the snow that recently fell – covered them up.
It was during that month, of watching, and ignoring and eventually giving a sigh of relief that the mushrooms were under a coat of ice and snow and gone until next spring, did I realize something. I have never gotten to the point in life where I view life as more than a day to day thing. I make plans, I have ideas, and set goals. But my life is a day to day process, and I let things happen with the mindset that it wont matter – because tomorrow probably wont even come.
I don’t say it to be morbid, I say it because its true. And now that I have realized it, I have begin to see things differently. Its hard to undo years of mindset, and even harder to fix the things that have happened in those years. Its especially hard to change the mindset and get excited about living a life that seems so fragile. Its easier, sometimes, to not get your hopes up, so to speak. But its also dangerous.
Life has been sticky these past few months. Its been confusing in ways Ive never thought about, and complicated in other areas. Its been complex, and hard, and down right scary. And as much as I have wanted to just throw my hands in the air and say screw it – I cant. Even though I don’t know why.
Sometimes, it just sucks. And sometimes, you have to be grown up enough to admit just that.
Life happens, people die. Important people leave. Friends pack up and disappear.
This town is a town of transition. Not many people stay here for longer than five years. It is a constant steam of people coming and going, with the main few sticking around until they die. And then it shakes the town in many ways. There is a constant rotation of people – coming and going. My life seems to mirror much of the town. People come, people leave, and people die – and it shakes me up. But you keep on going because there is nothing left to do.
And much like the mushrooms, you hope, and you ignore and then you sigh relief when the cold winter snow comes.