Eleven

This evening, after everyone had went to bed, I went to find my old familiar memory stick.  The one that holds the photos from the past.  Of course, I couldn’t find it and went on a 20 minute search for it.  And came up empty handed.  Instead of flipping through the pictures on my computer as per tradition, I pulled out the small white box that holds the hard copies of every picture I have from those years, and a few others scattered in.

I flipped through them, looking for something, anything, to grab my attention.  But the only thing that grabbed at me was the guilt.  And regret.  And frustration.  Scattered among the memories were missed opportunities, anger, sadness and frustration.  There were smiles, and happiness.  But those smiles didn’t appeal to me tonight.

Im really at a point in life that I never expected to be.  A unique place that seems neither right or wrong.  A time where life is so busy I don’t have time to consider my actions, or question intentions.  I decide on the whim, and do what seems best in the moment, and fail.  A lot.  In a few years I will look back and probably not remember this time.

I flipped through years of my life in a few short minutes.  And then boxed it back up.  Because really?  What I was looking for wasn’t there.  The answers arent hidden in a small white box.  They arent buried in the past.  They arent hidden in secret codes.  What Im looking for isnt going to be found in dusty memories.  What I think I want, isnt even there.

Because when I look over the pictures.  When I flip through the two short years I had with her, I am not inspired to go out and be better.  Im not encouraged that life will be worth something someday.  Im just reminded of another one of my many failures.  Perhaps my biggest.

On a day that should be filled with smiles and laughter, jokes and balloons…

I have two years in a small white box, and almost nine buried deep.

The day in and of itself is confusing to me, and Im never quite sure how to deal with it.  How do you say “Happy Birthday” to someone you haven’t seen or known in forever, on a day that holds nothing but scar covered memories?

Its just another day.

A day that had potential at one point, but lost all that.  Instead of celebrating with the people who I loved the most in this world, the ones who made this life bearable, and worth living…I will bury myself in deadlines, maybe frantically search for something as meaningless as a memory stick and call it a day.  Because when its all said and done – that’s all it really is.  Just another day.  Another day closer to calling it quits.  For good.

 

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Happy Birthday my little one.  There just arent words to say what I wish I could. 

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