For What Its Worth

A few weeks ago, I poured myself a cup of coffee and walked across the street.  Went down a small embankment, and sat near the water, watching and listening as the waves crashed on the rocks below.  The air was cooler than normal, and much like the changing weather, I knew that things were about to get busy here.  As if Summer wasn’t busy enough.  I needed that time to prepare myself, mentally, for the changes that were going to take place.

As I got up to leave, having finished my coffee – I took one last look at the ocean, and told myself to get ready.

Its been nonstop since that moment.

The only thing clouding my horizon is deadlines.  I have managed to get through the month one day at a time by telling myself that if I can keep up with the days tasks, I will be ok.  And mostly, that’s been true.  Ive been sick twice in less than two weeks, have more deadlines this month than I have all year, and have out of country guests in for an extended visit.  All that combined with everyday life, two boys, and my regular job and life has been busy.

As tomorrow approaches, I have found myself thinking about what I want to say, if anything at all.  The only thing that comes to mind is that I have so many deadlines due TODAY that I cant possibly think about tomorrow.  I will deal with tomorrow, when it comes.  And then?  The guilt.  I have to make time to think about them.  I have to add it to my schedule.  I have to carve out time for two people who mean the world to me, and yet.  And yet I am too busy this year to even pause for a few minutes and pull together some semi coherent thoughts.

I don’t want to be one the kind of person who is stuck in the past, and always hung up on what happened.  I always looked forward to the day when days like these would come.  When I could go for days at a time without giving so much thought to the pain and emptiness.  I longed for the days when, I no longer was haunted by the numbers, the days, the years.  And yet, now that I have arrived – I am guilty.  Because I am no longer crippled by the pain.  I have to make TIME to remember.  I am too busy with life, to remember them.

It always seems I walk these roads alone.  No one else has ever had the problem of moving on TOO far.  Is it normal?  Is it ok?  No one knows, and I don’t seem to care.

Yet somewhere, I think a part of me still does remember.  Or atleast wants to remember.  I want to remember…to an extent.  I want to remember, but I don’t have time to get lost.  I want to remember, but don’t have time to devote to taking myself back in time.  Atleast not today.

It all sounds so very selfish, and bad.

So many years ago, life was so, completely different.  Just last year – was so very different than this year.  But to not stop, and pause, atleast for a brief moment to recognize and remember two people who meant and really, still mean the world to me – would be wrong.

Maybe its just to appease the guilt, and maybe its because somewhere deep down, I really still do want to remember.  I just don’t know how.  How do I remember somehow who has been gone so very long, and what good does it do?

On the eve of what would have been her 11th birthday, and another year having passed, I pause for a moment to recognize just how different life is.  Both because of her, and without her.  I recognize the deep ruts that run through my heart, and go deep within.  And I realize that because of her, because of them, I am a much different person.


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