The words that dont make sense

This morning I sat down at my computer, far too early.  But one cant argue with a certain 9 year old when he feels the need to be up, he feels that we all should be up.  And since I happen to receive the brunt of his good morning wake up tackles – there I sat.  Coffee in one hand, blank screen staring back at me.  Wishing to be enlightened, hoping that somehow, the cold morning air would rejuvenate the stale words.

But much like trying to read the news, and actually make sense of it, trying to write with a wild super happy to be up at an unearthly hour child, just wasn’t going to happen.

I sit here with numerous thoughts going through my mind, none of which will make sense.  Ive tried, multiple times to write – but get stuck.  Because the time I need my words, they always seem to escape.  Like a bad game of hide and seek, they come in waves.  One thought quickly turning to another but before I get a chance to sort it out – another wave of thoughts come.

Or Im interrupted.

Maybe its because part of me really doesn’t want to think about it.  Part of me hopes, that in some sort of magical way – things just work themselves out.  That maybe someone will step in and say “Ive got this handled” and somehow…everything will go back to whatever normal once was.  Maybe somehow, we will all win, and no one will get hurt.

This parenting thing just sucks sometimes.  And when I hear people say things like “Oh I cant wait to become a parent.”  All I can think is don’t.  Because honestly, that’s how I feel right now.  I don’t want to be doing this, I don’t want to be handling this.  I don’t WANT to be in charge here.  I really don’t want to be trying to figure things out that make absolutely no sense.

I can handle this whole kid doesn’t talk, kid has autism thing.  I can handle the looks and questions.  I might not handle them with grace, but I can handle them.  But I cannot handle this walking so close to death charade.  I shut down, and want to walk away.  I want to take the easy way out.  And yet the other part of me argues – for his sake.  It yells at me “Don’t you DARE walk away.”  And thus begins the vicious cycle.

Arguing.  With myself for the most part.  Do I walk away, or do I hold on.  What does he need.  What is best for everyone.  What if no one wins.  How do I separate my wants and my selfishness from what he really needs, and what is best for him.  How do I read between the lines, decipher which of these words are really true, and what gut feeling to go with.  How do I know if I am wrong – where there is really, only one shot here.

There are no right answers.  The right answers simply don’t exist.

Which is maybe why the words just simply wont come.  Because there are none.  There simply are no words to say what I want to say.  What I need to say.  There are no magic answers, there isn’t going to be some magic person with the right words to step in and make everything ok.  There arent going to be easy answers, or simple fixes.  Whats right might be wrong, and whats wrong might be right.

It just is.

And right now.  Its just one big confusing mess that isn’t going to unravel itself.  The choice I make will be the wrong one – no matter what.  No amount of advocating is going to help.  The amount of words I come up with – wont change things.  Its far from easy, and its far from over.

Maybe one day it will all make sense, but today isn’t that day.

Neither is tomorrow.

Something tells me that that day – isn’t going to be for a while.


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