I often hold imaginary conversations with myself. It usually is when I am alone, and most of the conversations take place in my head – but every so often, I will be standing in line at the grocery store and blurt out the final punch line in my sales pitch, leaving everyone around thinking I have escaped from lands unknown. Other times I am so engrossed in my conversation I cant remember if I said something out loud, if I actually HAD the conversation, or if it was all in my head.
Most of these conversations are two sided, with other people. All while in my head. I hold them when I need a second opinion, some advice, or am getting ready to go into a meeting with someone. I like to know what I am getting into, and by holding these imaginary conversations, I am able to prepare myself to an extent of what to expect.
Lately I have been wondering. What would it be like if Josh would talk. What would he say. Sure, he gets his point across. I usually know what he wants, and I know how he feels about certain situations/people/places. And while I think I know, to an extent, what goes on in his head…sometimes I wonder how close I really am to knowing.
Someone recently told me that “You don’t even really know a person. Even if you think you do. You don’t.” There is always that reserved place of the human heart – that no one, but the person whos heart it is – knows. I know what makes him tick, and I know what makes him laugh. I know he doesn’t like water, but cannot pass up a bet with cereal. But sometimes, I wonder just what he would say. With actual words.
The statement that you really don’t know a person, no matter how much you think you do, has been truer than ever here lately. Things I THOUGHT and ASSUMED were right – are wrong. Things I assumed were favorites, are not. Things I thought were important – arent. And while Im left trying to reassemble some sort of understanding, Im left wonder…how much HAVE I gotten wrong? Have I even gotten anything right?
Maybe, when its all said and done…I really have messed up. Maybe by trying to accomplish one thing – I have managed to derail the entire train. Instead of being confident in my decisions, Im left waffling. Wondering if maybe, just maybe, I should back things up and take a different direction. I cant believe that the past few years have been for nothing. And I cant believe they are a mistake. Because we have gotten to where we are.
This isn’t the way things are supposed to go forever. Maybe…there is a different route out there needing explored, and Im too busy holding imaginary conversations to realize – there are real voices, with real answers.
Maybe instead of looking for something in nothing, I should start paying attention to whats in front of me, and reading into what is certain. Maybe. Instead of wishing for words, I should listen to whats being said. And change accordingly. Because what I want, isn’t always whats right. And whats right, isn’t always what I want.