I started this month out with great intentions of bringing as much awareness to childhood cancer as I could. I was going to post daily, and while it wouldn’t make much if any difference, I was going to do my part. And then life happened. And its already the middle of the month, and I toss my hands in the air and say “What difference is it really going to make?” None. The facts are still going to remain the same, and it isn’t going to matter how much I carry on about it – it wont change those facts.
But I find myself stuck. And unable to write anything else. As quickly as I open a draft, I close it down. Because the purpose of it is all kind of lost on me. I don’t have anything funny or encouraging or enlightening to say. Because when everything is ok – I don’t feel the need to write. But when everything is not ok – I cant write. For numerous reasons. I don’t want to offend. I don’t want to step on toes. I don’t want to make it sound like all hope is completely lost forever. Because its not.
And Im quite frankly tired of always starting out with an open apology or warning. I don’t want to have to try and figure out if I am making sense, or if my words are coming out right. I don’t want to have to worry about whos going to think this or that. I just want to write…and figure this life out, and move on. Because its too short to spend trying to sort my own words out.
This week has really complicated a lot of things here. Any indication that I am doing the right thing has been smashed, and the reality of life has hit. But even in the midst of hard and complicated times, there are still those small glimmers that get you through to another day.
Last year taking Josh to school was a daily struggle. The kind that involved a lot of strong will on everyone’s part. Dragging a unwilling, dead weight eight year old into school, for nine months out of a year, will do a number on you. There were many mornings where I really wondered if it was worth it. Sure, at the end of the day – he was happy. He liked school, he liked being at school. But getting him TO school, was a different story.
But that’s how its always been with him. Convincing him that he will enjoy something has always been hard. Even if he KNOWS he likes it, its still hard to convince him that he will like it – once he begins. The notes from the teachers were pretty constant – that once he settled down, he was ok. But getting to the point where he would settle down – was sometimes challenging. And the advice. There was so much advice.
This past week, in the middle of what has been a trying week – we pulled into the parking lot at school. It was all I could do to keep him in the car before we came to a complete stop. There was no slow paced walking to the doors, only to turn and run the other way. With him leading the way – we walked rather boldly into the front doors. He dropped his coat at the entrance and took off towards his class. I trailed behind gathering the items he felt the need to chuck.
Its only been a few weeks, but he has done more in the past two weeks than he has the past two years. And on a week where everything seems to be going upside down with everything else – he shows that the past few years? Have paid off. The areas of life where I don’t know what I am doing, where I do only what I assume is right, where there is hardly ever any progress.
He might not use his words, but his body language is more than enough on days like today. When he swings the door open to his class and boldly marches ahead. Everything might not always be ok, but one day, one problem, one step at a time.
I might not know what I am doing, I might not know where we are going, and I might be doing it all wrong. But in some areas, it just might be enough.