Its been a rough few weeks, and lately I have found myself thinking about things I really don’t like to think about, but sometimes it’s the small things that just flip you over the edge for no apparent reason.
Things like, if I have to clean up one more mess, wash one more dish, do one more load of laundry. If I have to deal with one more break down, one more stare or one more question. If I have to arrange ONE MORE appointment, or show up for one more therapist. Sometimes I just feel like it would be easier to toss in the towel.
I just don’t know how to say I am tired. I am tired of everything, and everyone. And sometimes just wish I could be the one to walk off and not be noticed. And sometimes I think I can. But then someone is hungry, someone had an accident, someone is not happy and I have to go into super mode and try and figure out why and how to appease them all until bed time comes whenever that may be.
Sometimes I just want to say I am done. Because I am tired. I don’t WANT to do this, and then someone else will step in and take over. Just until I am ready to do it again.
And then I think I am somehow being a hypocrite because I miss my own daughter, but I wouldn’t think twice about walking off tonight if one more small person makes one more mess.
Its not that I want something to happen to them, or that I don’t love them…its just that sometimes, I get tired of doing this. I get tired of getting up, and waking kids up and feeding kids, and being around kids, and dealing with kid issues that arent so kid like anymore. I get tired of trying to be someone different to everyone I know. I get tired of trying to be able to do it all, and pull everything off – because that’s what GOOD people do.
Good people make good parents, and even though Im not a parent, I have to play the roll one of. And sometimes I get tired of playing rolls. Especially rolls that I don’t play very well. I get tired of making dinner, and washing dishes. I get tired of juggling things, and making do. I get tired of cleaning and cooking and working. I get tired of being happy, and keeping positive. I get tired of trying to keep things light hearted, and keeping the ball rolling.
Sometimes it seems like there is no end in sight.
Because at the end of the day when all the working has been worked, and dishes done, and kids are in bed. I cant even sit down and see the progress for the day because I know that in a few hours – it will be time to start the entire cycle over again. And really, I am just tired of the cycle. The day in and day out, meaningless tasks that somehow have to be done because no one else wants to do them, because everyone else is busy living their own lives with some sort of meaning.
I cant seem to find a way out of this circular rut, every way out is a dead end and I don’t like dead ends. I feel selfish saying it, because I know everything I am supposed to know – I know that I am supposed to be happy because someone else is wishing for what I have. I know I am supposed to be grateful for what I have and not take anything lightly – because everything can change in a minute. I know that I supposed to do these things because this is what I wanted…
Sometimes its hard to see past it all, and stay focused. Sometimes I just cant see past the dirty piles of constantly growing laundry and see that one day there wont be any. Because right now I just want an end to it all. An end to the laundry, and the problems. I just want to sit down and drink some coffee and have an EMPTY mind and not have to think about tomorrow.
I don’t want to try and guess if the kids will be ok or not. I don’t want to have to figure out if we have enough milk, or what is going to be for dinner or who needs a bath or what activities will be going on and if they are mind enhancing, life changing and for the better. Sometimes…I just want to breath.
And not have to worry if I am doing that right, or if I am being judged for it.
Im tired, and I just want…a simple life, one that I can understand.