Falling

There are all kinds of families, I have come to realize.  But the one thing that every family has that seems to connect them – is most know what they are doing, and if they don’t…they sure look like they do.

And then there is me.  Who hasn’t a clue.

Those families who know what they are doing (or appear to know, which is pretty much the same thing to me) were ready for summer break six weeks ago.  Truth be told, most of them had this years summer break planned out ten years before their child was born.  Because that’s how they roll.  They are ahead of schedule, ahead of things, always ready to tackle what comes their way – because they are always ahead.

I realized the night before their last day – that it was their last day.  Its not that I don’t pay attention, its that I am split.  Between being one me, and trying to do ten million things.  And sometimes – I forget.

The thing is I never thought I could do this, and never really WANTED to do this, and you look over my record and you will probably see why I really SHOULDN’T be doing this.  Its like everyone who told me that I shouldn’t be doing this, got together and said “Lets prove our point.”

And some days, I am just so beat down by the fact that I can NOT do this, that I don’t know how I am supposed to do it.  All over again.  Tomorrow.  Or tonight.
I have buried my own daughter.  There has been the whole saga of single man raises teenaged girl drama.  The fact that Josh has multiple things that require more help than the average, and now the added bonus of a child that I THOUGHT I knew what I was doing with – is so far off the deep end that I don’t even know how to help.  And yet.

And yet I am expected to get up in the morning and press on – Because somewhere, somehow, some reason they need me.  Even though they don’t.

On days where I load the grocery cart with food I think will work this week, only to get home and realize I forgot the milk.  On days where I try to meet everything on time, only to discover I didn’t do the ONE thing I really needed to do.  On days when appointments are too close together, and the last of my brain cells went OUT the window, and I just want to throw my hands in the air and yell “IM DONE!” I have to get up.  And go on.  Because there is no one else to do this meaningless stuff that I cram my schedule full of.

And then you over hear someone talking.  Someone saying that “Everyone thinks their life is so hard, and they really don’t know what hard is until you have gone through….” and list of a mile long list of stuff – that might have mattered ten years ago, but really has NO meaning now.  Stuff.  I apparently, don’t know what hard is.  Because I havent gone through bankruptcy.  I don’t know how difficult life CAN be because I have yet to watch my business fail.  I don’t know what HARD is because I havent LIVED through a divorce!  And it takes all I have to not walk up to her and show her, what hard is.

Because I havent gone through bankruptcy, and I havent watched my business fail and what I wouldn’t GIVE to go through a divorce because ATLEAST I could still love someone who was STILL alive.  It takes all I have to not tell her this, because I know she is struggling – on a different level perhaps.

On days when all I really want, is a small bit of understanding.

Im just like everyone else.  I struggle on all kinds of levels.  But I am different, in that I suck at everything I do.  Everything I love dies.  Everyone I care about hurts.  Everything I touch disappears.

Some days, I don’t WANT to do it.  I don’t want to get up.  And get out of bed.  I want to close the world out around me.  I don’t want to watch those I love suffer, and hurt.  I want to help them.  I want to fix it.  I would give anything to change things.

And really – today I cant honestly say that I wouldn’t do it all over again, because today – I would give just about anything to just have one more minute.
And for that…Im not sorry.

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