In which I admit, openly

Possibly related to last nights events, I am on edge.  Tense.  Waiting.  Waiting for that carpet to get yanked out from under me.  So many years of work, coming to a head.  The world crashing in around me, and yet I have no where to turn.  No where to run.  Because today its not about me, and as hard as I try to tell myself that, I cant help but take it personal.  Im waiting, for everything to fall in.  Its only a matter of time.

Everything that happens I ask myself “Was that it?” “Is this it?” “Could this be the mystery?” everything from a package at the PO to grocery shopping, once again is a task that I cant be bothered with.  A force that I cant reckon with.  A battle I choose not to fight today.  This morning I got out of bed and silently muttered the words “I do not want to do today.  If there was one day I did not want to do, today would be that day” and I end the day by thinking “I really wish I did not have to do another today.  But tomorrow, is just another today.”

I am defeated.

And as the walls crumble, I instead choose to focus on the color of the walls, the design on the couch, the pattern on the bed.  Anything to avoid whats really happening.  My reality – coming to an end.  My world – caving in.  And because I cannot function by thinking that THIS is really HAPPENING, I instead look the other way, and hope, that in some small way, the grocery store is really the problem.  I MAKE it the problem, because atleast then, I don’t have to worry about the bigger things in life.  Like life itself crumbling in.

I know, I have said it so many times before, that it probably all seems like another false alarm.

Two weeks ago, I walked in the bathroom to see blood streaming down the porcelain sink.  I saw the cuts, and closed the door.  Because that’s what you do.  That’s what any logical, person does.  They close the door.  And then open it again, and instead of looking at the blood streaked counters, you look in the cold, empty, eyes that are screaming for help – but the words are not there.

Two weeks ago I reached out to people I thought would help, because I honestly had no idea what to do.  I ran google search after search, and came up with the same answers – no one HAD any.

And so I buried my head and wished it away.  I looked here, and I looked there.  I avoided the problem, I avoided the questions, I avoided the silent pleas.  Because that’s just what you do.

But yesterday, I couldn’t look away any longer, I couldn’t plug my ears and sing the problems away.  I had to face them, because the words.  The words were there.

And finally, after seven years I admit.  I admit what everyone knew.  I surrender to defeat, and I wave the white flag.  I screwed up.

This afternoon I retold the story.  From start to finish.  And once I did, I realized just what I had done.

Now there is nothing left to do, but wait.

Wait for the world to fall in around me, wait for the stores to become empty.  Wait.  For my crazy mind to take me away from here.

The words I never thought I would write, the story I never thought I would tell – now becoming my reality.


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