This week

Ive recently been doing a lot of thinking on how I react to people.  I touched on it a bit, and then listened to a very interesting debate on the same topic and have come to realize, that I don’t respond the way I should.

Sure, I can usually muddle through a grocery store without getting TOO upset at people, but when the people that you are living with day in and day out do something completely, stupid for no reason at all – I have a bit harder of a time understanding where they are coming from, and having compassion for.

This past week has been a difficult one for me, for reasons Im not really ready to get into yet.  I told exactly two people – one responded the way I assumed, with the kind of understanding and readiness to listen whenever.  The other – told me how it was, threw it in my face, and went back to their own problems.  In short, they put an end to me telling anyone else about what has been going on.  People, who are friends.  Who I have given hours and hours of support to, suddenly turning the other direction when I need some help.

I suppose I should be used to it really.  I know how people respond.  I know that people love to talk about themselves, and I know they need to.  I don’t mind listening to people, or helping.  I really don’t.  But sometimes, I have a problem that I just cant sort out myself.  And this week has been one of those weeks.  I don’t need advice, I don’t need answers.  I simply needed someone to listen, and one person did – and one person didn’t.

Now I should probably stop right here and just focus on the one who listened, and cut the rest of the people out of my life because who has time for that?  But I cant.  Because they are both good friends.  And so instead I suck it up and move on like nothing has happened – except that it has, and I just cant google the answer to this.  I need feedback.  I need help.  I need answers.  And I have no where to turn.  Making an already difficult situation – harder.

Because when you think  people  have your back and they instantly turn the other way when things get tough – you kind of wonder about humans.  I try to focus on those who add something to this world.  I try to focus on the good, I try to remember that everyone has problems, and that my life and issues really mean nothing to anyone else….but.  But.  But.

Sometimes, I need a little bit.  As selfish as it is, yes I sometimes need an ear to bend.  I need someone to yell at, or yell with.  I need someone who understands.  I cant always be the one holding everyone up – I too, cave.

This week has been a trying week.  Its showed me the true colors of two people.  And opened a whole new world of someone I love very deeply.  Life sucks sometimes.  Its hard.  It doesn’t make sense.  And sometimes, I don’t WANT to support others.  But I know they need it too.  Just as badly, if not more so than me.  And so instead of getting mad, I try to suck it up.  Until I cant suck anymore.  There comes a point, when I can no longer suck it up.  And that point comes when something is no longer just my problem, but the problem of someone I love.

And this week – I can no longer just sit still and suck it up.  I have to fight.  I have to find answers.  I have to find help.  I have to find something in this world that makes NO sense to me.  Because someone I love, needs me to.

Im sorry if I can no longer hold you up.  Im sorry to those I can no longer help.  My priorities lie with the ones that are closest to me, and this week – some have shown me that they really arent as close as I thought.

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