Now more than ever

I think there is a time in every kids life when you just WISH to be older. Your growing seems so slow, and you were only just a LITTLE bit older, a little bit bigger, a little bit better then everything would be ok. Everyone is constantly telling you to slow down, enjoy being little, and you scoff at them because what do they know? And then you reach a point when people stop telling you to enjoy being little. And instead of wishing you growing up you are suddenly thrust into the world of others wishing to be young again too.

There are so many things you are oblivious to even THINKING about when you are younger, that growing up seems to be the best thing possible. And yet somehow, as you get older and your mind is open to more and more things, you begin to see things in a whole new light. But by that point, it is too late to enjoy being young. The phrase enjoy being young is almost a void statement. Because while you can enjoy being young, you don’t possibly know how MUCH you should be enjoying it, because you don’t know what all you are being protected from.

Kids, like it or not, simply do not have the ability to see things how they are. Their perspective is so small, their actions and thoughts so innocent, that it often makes them intriguing to watch, and learn from. If only, we say, I could believe like a child. If only I could love and accept like a child. Wouldn’t that be great? And it would be. Except that you wouldn’t have any idea about the world around you, you would be oblivious to everything, and some days….oh some days…I wish I were oblivious. Because some days, I just don’t want to know what could happen, and what is happening. Some days, I just want to look out the window and exclaim “Its sunny, can I go out and play?” and not take into account all the things that could happen.

I see things differently these days, and not everyone can appreciate it. And I cant say that I blame them. I really don’t appreciate it either. There was a time when I enjoyed going out with friends, when I enjoyed eating new foods, and trying new things. And now the most adventurous I get is getting up in the morning. Most days the thought of eating makes me sick, and I only eat because I know if I don’t I wont have the strength to do what I want. I hate sounding depressing. I hate sounding anything near depressing because that implies that all hope is lost. And I know that isn’t true.

Its just that, life is a bit rough right now. And as I muddle through, unsure of which way to turn, being unable to google my problems away – my mind spins faster and faster. With the prospect of losing all those I love, I lose hope. I lose perspective. I lose just about everything that makes me get up in the morning, and want to sleep right through the alarm. I lose what keeps me going.

But I have to keep it together. I have to pull it together. I have to go on. I have to try. Because as much as it hurts me, it hurts others more. And I have to fight for them when they are weak, things might not be so cheery around here lately, but Im trying. Im seeking that once silver lining in the grey skies ahead, and holding out hope that there IS a clear day somewhere.

The road may be bumpy, the light may be gone, and the goings may be tougher than hell – but I cant give up now, because now is when I need to pull through. Now more then ever, I need someone to have my back, even though all my team players are gone.

Now more than ever, I wish someone would tell me to enjoy being little – because one day I will want to be young again. That day has come, where I wish to be young and carefree. That day has come where I finally understand what they meant, and now…more than ever, I wish I could scoff at them and say “Yea but being grown up is SO awesome.” And really mean it.


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