Years ago I loved to run. Running, however, did not love me. I was never very good at it, and never participated in races or anything of the type. It was just another way for me to clear my head, and give me something else to focus on. Most times my feet acted as if they had cement blocks strapped to them, gravity defied me, and I was constantly out of breath. But every once and a while I would catch a break, and for a moment I would be floating. It was those moments that I ran for. Of course, a short time after the extreme high, I would hit a low and not five minutes after gliding through the air, my lungs would scream “THAT’S ENOUGH!” and a sharp pain would jab me. I would once again be forced back to reality.
The reality that I cant run.
That’s really how life is for me lately. I love it, but it just doesn’t seem to love me. And just when I get gliding, reality jumps up and screams “THAT’S ENOUGH!” and a sharp pain jabs me where it hurts the most, forcing me to stop. And remember.
Smooth sailing, life is. Ive learned to enjoy it. To accept it. To not worry about it. To just hang on and free fall because I know the bad will come, and I know the good will come – and I know neither will last long.
Its been a while, infact, its been a while since I have worried about it being a while. But then the outline of a small person. The silhouette of a tiny nose, and I catch my breath. I remind myself to breath, and count backwards from one thousand. Because the small things. They are enough to make or break it. And honestly, I don’t want to break it again.
I miss her. Even though its been so long. Too long. Long enough. Not long enough. I miss her in a way that I just cant explain, and in a way that words wont describe. The missing runs deep, it goes far beyond what anyone can see – so it would only make sense that it couldn’t be described with words. And so I don’t even try.
I stop for a moment, I catch my breath as the sharp pain jabs where it hurts the most.
And then I take a deep breath, and carry on. One foot infront of the other, until I work back up to a steady run. And then I will glide, and free fall. Until my heart screams “THAT’S ENOUGH!” and once again I will hold them tight.
“There will be a day when i can no longer run. Today is not that day.”