A few days ago, I was really struggling with something. As the years tick by, and another year is marked off – I really didn’t feel much. I wasn’t upset, wasn’t pissed off, wasn’t reminding myself to breath. I acknowledged the day in my own way, but that was it. It came and went, and I think I was more upset by my reaction, than the day itself. And then today I read something I had written on another day similar to the 11th. Reminding myself that it was OK to not be lost, and not be torn up, and to be able to smile.
Life lately has gotten busy. And I have jumped in, with both feet, to a new year with new possibilities. Refusing to get left in the dust of life, I have rejoined the world, and have actually begin to live again. But there is still something. Much like getting the hem of your shirt stuck and briefly being pulled back, I have caught the hem of my past on the door to the future and now am having a hard time launching myself into this new and so very unknown thing called the future that I am looking forward to.
To say that. Reads so simply. Just cut the past and move forward. But I cant. Its not something I can physically do, its mentally. And to cut the past, mentally, doesn’t sit well with me. Even though I know its time. Past time.
I know Ive said it before, and I will just have to say it again. The past is familiar to me. I know what to expect. I know how to ride the waves, and make it through the days. I know to expect the unexpected, and cherish the days that are simply good. And that’s just it – these days? Are so much MORE than simply good that I want to be ABLE to not only enjoy them, but live them. And not on the sidelines. Fearing the worse. I want to be there with myself when I jump into something with both feet. And Im hung up, by a small thread.
A thread, known as the past.
I know I wont even fully shut the past out, but I need to be able to put the past, where it belongs. And be able to move forward, into this life that is unexpected, and real, and so unknown. And I want to, I just don’t know how.
Except, I think I do.
I think its just a fear of admitting it, that has me held back. Admitting that I have moved on, and have embraced this “new” life as not only being mine, but as being good is something that scares me. And not in the ways one might expect. In admitting, I admit that I am once again able to stand on my own feet – admit that I am an open target. Admit that I know how fragile life is, and how fast it can be gone. Admit. That I do worry about loosing someone, but not so much that I am being held back. Admit.
Slowly, I am moving forward. And for once, I am not dreading it.
I anticipate hard days, and difficult situations. I don’t expect things to always go smooth, and always be fair. I realize that I wont always be able say this, but I am looking forward to the future that I once didn’t want to see. I am facing each day the best I can, and hoping that somehow…I am able to not only SEE it, but live it, and enjoy it, and be a part of it. Im tired of being left behind, and holding myself back because of a fear that can be used to get the most from life.
Jumping. Free falling. Enjoying as much as I can, as long as I can. Not leaving any words unsaid, or potential for regrets. I am not replacing the past, just simply acknowledging it, and closing the chapter. Because this life is too short, and too good to spend living facing the past, with my back to the future. I am tired of seeing things after they have happened, and instead am going to live. And not just because I have to, but because I want to.
I am facing my fears, closing my eyes, and jumping…into a world I am unsure of, without the parachute of the past on my back to slow me down. It will always be in my heart, always with me and forever mine.
But it will not hold me back.