Leaving for the new

This afternoon, I left work for the final time. Two weeks ago I gave my notice, and today, two weeks later I said good bye. Its funny. Just years before, leaving a job wouldn’t have meant anything. I changed jobs more than anything else. I moved a lot too. Its just how I was. But then a few years ago – I was more or less forced to “Settle down” and it wasn’t easy. Staying put, making things stable, trying to smooth out this bumpy road while wanting to run.

My boss reminded me that he would have my status on hold, giving me a few months to try out the new lead, and my coworker told me not to disappear, reminding me he knew where I lived. A joke that only a few knew. Its strange, because they know nothing of my past. It was my fresh start, my do over, my new slate. And now, I am leaving it behind, having secured a “New past”  – stepping out once again into a world I really don’t know. Doing things I never thought I would be doing – planning for more than one day ahead.

Its not something I can easily explain to people, because not everyone would understand, and not everyone would want to. Changing jobs? Whats the big deal? Taking on a new lead, a new position, an unsure opportunity – great, right?

Except that its one step further from the past. One step closer to that future that still seems so unknown, but more familiar than the past. A step that scares me. Because I really don’t know. I don’t know if this is ok, if leaving this behind will change things. If Im pushing them out of my life, or if I am gradually moving forward in an ok way.

I know it will be ok, because there isn’t any other option. I just don’t know if it IS ok. And I have no one to look at and compare.

New, Fresh, its what I like. But familiar is also comforting.

But letting go is also needed.

I walked out today, not feeling like I was doing anything big or major. Im not driving off to find undiscovered land, but in a way it feels like I am. Heading into uncharted waters, hoping for the best. And for once, I can honestly say, I am excited about the future. I know it wont be easy, and I know there will be days when I want to turn around, but I think that’s what excites me the most – knowing those days will come, but that they wont be the constant.

Leaving the old behind is hard, but in so many ways – it has gotten me to where I am today. Not just with my job, but with life. Its been hard, but good days are sure to come. And come they have.

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