One more day

Today has been one of those days where everything goes a hundred miles per hour.  You wake up one minute, and five minutes later it is already time to be going to bed.  Instead of feeling like you have accomplished something, you feel as though you have lost an entire day and have no idea how to make up for lost time.  When the evening finally comes into focus and you still have a days worth of work to get done, and two tired hungry kids to deal with – patience is nonexistent.

I am not one of those perfect people who knows how to pull it together in a moment of panic.  Infact, I am probably the opposite.  With dinner still needing done, and homework still needing completed, the frustrations of having told a certain someone how and what to do constantly – and really not knowing if he was even hearing you because his actions don’t match that of someone who has, it happened.

Under my breath I muttered it.  The words I hate, the very words I cringe to hear others say.  The words I refuse to use.

And then I turned around and saw him standing there.

Did he hear me?  Probably not.  Did he understand what I meant and that what I said was directed at him?  Doubtful.  But it didn’t matter, because in that moment I had crumbled and caved, and given in.

I don’t tell him it enough.  How proud I am of him.  In the constant rush of the day in and day out stuff, in the hurried pace of life to hurry up and get something done so others arent waiting, I forget.  Hes just a kid.  But hes growing.  And hes watching.  And hes listening.  And hes mimicking.  And even if he has a rough day where he is doing absolutely NOTHING the way he should be, he is still learning.  Even if its in his own way.  But because I am tired, and ready for a somewhat easy day, I snap.

We all struggle with something, he just happens to struggle with 98% of everything he does.  We all have to put effort into something, he just happens to have to put effort into every single thing he does.  Ever action, every thought, every movement requires careful calculation on his part.  His mind runs at a rapid pace, trying to process everything he sees and does, and how to make his next move and sometimes – hes gets hung up and cant move as quickly as I would like him to.  Sometimes he has to stop because he cant GO any further.

The days come for us all.  We want to hide under the covers, wrap up tight and forget the world exists.  “If I see ONE MORE PERSON!” we say.  This is his constant.  His everyday.  But ontop of it, anyone he meets wont understand him.  He is forced to not only make sense of a world that confuses him, with people that hurt him, and chaos that spins his mind so fast – he has to make others understand him.  And he has to do this without any words.  While fighting back the fears that cloud his mind.

It’s a no wonder when the day comes to a close he has had enough.

And if that isn’t enough…he is stuck here.  Living with me.

Continually barking orders at him to hurry up, try harder, do better.  Do more.  Learn faster.  Smarten up.  Understand.  Teach me.

The world is on his shoulders it would seem.  But he gets up every morning before the sun, with a smile.  I don’t know why, I don’t know what he sees in the day, or the morning, especially when the sun isn’t even up yet and he has only slept a few short hours.  I don’t know what he sees that makes him smile, I don’t know what he sees that helps him up.  I don’t know what pushes him through the day when enough seems like it should just be enough.  But he soldiers on.  One day at a time…

I really wish I could say the same about myself, but I cant.  I can only say he is a brave kid, a strong boy, and quickly outgrowing his clothes.

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