On life, and then some

Often times, reading about the struggles and success’ other parents have with their kids is encouraging. To know that someone else out there, with a kid in a similar situation as Josh is succeeding, well, I find it encouraging. But other times, I don’t. Other times I don’t want to read about the success’ or failures.

While most parents are breathing a sigh of relief that their kids are finally getting back into the swing of things at school, I am sitting here trying to remember the name of all the tests/reports/etc that I am expected to do/schedule, and how involved with them I am supposed to be. To say that it has been hard is a complete understatement. I don’t mean to say that I think people have it all under control, because if there is one thing that I have become very aware of, is that in this process – there is no having it under control. No one really has the right answers, no one really knows what they are doing, some just pull it off better than I do.

Since Madison has left, I have been left wondering if this is whats best for the boys. Its been a hard thought process to try and wade my way through. On one hand I want it to be the best, because to say its not would mean admitting that everything in the past few years has been a waste. But on the other hand, I want to know. Because I don’t want to waste anymore time.

Josh slipped back into school with very few problems last week. He marched in like he owned the place, has had no bad reports, and seems to be enjoying everything he is taking in. His teachers all love him, and on a complete flip side from last year, Josh actually seems to enjoy his classmates, and in turn, they enjoy him. Seeing him come out and enjoy something that has been a struggle for him for so long, is probably the best thing I have seen in a long time. But with it comes a whole new set of worries.

And wonders. And fears. And on and on the list goes.

Sure. He loves everyone and everyone loves him. But. How do I teach him boundaries, and responsibility, and safety, and everything else? I can take him, over and over and over – and show him that school is ok, and that the kids are ok, and that I will come back. I can teach him these things by repeating my actions over and over. But there are some things, that I cant. And there are some things, that he will just have to go through, but he will have no way to tell me about them. Or ask about them. Or figure them out. The things he cant learn by SEEING.

And that? Worries me.

I want the best for him. I want the best for all the kids. But its different with him. I know the other two have good heads on their shoulders. They know enough to get by, and even though I know I cant teach them everything and prepare them for everything that is going to come their way, I am confident that they will be ok with what life throws their way. I wish I could say the same for Josh…but I really? Don’t know. I don’t know how he will react to anything out of the ordinary. I don’t know if he will be ok. I don’t know what his future will hold for him, or how he will come out. I really don’t know, and I don’t know how to prepare him so he is.

So I am.

And then of course, there are the statistics that my mind has come up with. The ones that say well if he DOES happen to make it past 18, chances are things wont be very good. I turn around and hear about an autistic boy who got excited and ran out into the street. And I wonder…does Josh know about road safety?

Its life. Its hard. Its confusing and twisted. Its so….just life.


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