I was reading something earlier, a simple yet honest post, just a small glimpse into the world of another person out there. A conversation she had with her six year old boy, the small things she planted in his head while preparing him for life. This life that is coming to eventually take him away to bigger and better. The ground work, being laid. And while the ending got me a short smile, I couldn’t help but just want to go hide.
This week has been a big mixture of complicated and confusing. Two things I don’t deal well with. I took the week off, and only told a few people, because I didn’t want to deal with the questions like “You did WHAT?” Because taking a day off is something I rarely do, let alone a week. But the thing is, I am just overwhelmed. With this whole kid thing. I often mentally calculate out the years left until they reach that magic age of 18, foolishly assuming that then my job here will be over. Thinking somehow that if I can just make it to that age with them, then they will be ok!
Which couldn’t be further from the truth.
The ground work. It still needs laid. And I honestly don’t know a thing about laying the ground. Especially for a kid who doesn’t talk, and I really don’t know whats going on in his mind or how to get through to him.
I sat through different meetings this week, listening as different people discussed different ways to help Josh succeed in school this year. Last year we got off to a rough start, but after sorting through things, he did pretty well, considering. We called it success. And this year, are looking for the same results. But its hard, because while I know he has the ability to learn, and the people to make sure he does, I worry about the other side of things. The things we don’t talk about, the things that don’t get discussed for hours on in. The things that normally, I might not worry about, but feel I must with him.
He either doesn’t use his words to explain things. To say whats on his mind. To say what he thinks. What he likes. What he doesn’t. He communicates in different ways, yes, but there is only a limited window to knowing what REALLY goes on inside his mind, and lately, that window has been getting smaller and smaller.
As he gets older, and starts to form more opinions of his own, and starts to realize other things that he might not have noticed before – I wonder how he will process it all. How will he get answers to questions, when he doesn’t have the words to ask them. How will we know what he knows, and what he doesn’t, and how am I suppose to ensure that he grows up well rounded and complete – when I don’t even know if he understands ½ of the things that are said to him.
I worry about him, but more than him, I worry about his future. I worry that I have messed up the only opportunity he has for some decent ground work to be laid, and he will grow up not knowing. Not knowing the small, yet important things in life.
Maybe someday, if we make it to someday, he will be able to tell me. And then maybe, just maybe, I will know.
But then again…maybe he already knows. Maybe, he already knows.