Earlier this evening a rush of missing flooded over me, and I wrote a quick something to reflect that. To get it out so I could move on. But it wasn’t enough, and I went searching, as I often do, to find something to ease the pain. I found it…in my writings. To her.
When did I start referring to her in the third person? When did I stop talking to her? I miss that.
I remember when it felt weird to be addressing my “Dead daughter” when I really had no clue who she was or would be, or if she even wanted to be hearing from me. I think that was the last time I wrote words to her, expressing my pain and sorrow. And then I thought I should stop because its been long enough. Time to move on. And then I stopped some more when the kids came home. Because I had someone to fill the emptiness.
And it all comes rushing back, when I am letting another one go. Not go in the same sense, but go, to spread her wings, and Im wishing she were my own. Here to hold onto just a bit longer.
I found comfort in my words to her tonight.
I have waited so long, for a reply from her. Its been there all along.
I miss her. I miss you little one. I havent forgotten you. You’re still here. Safe in my heart, for those moments when I just need a little extra something. Im holding you close. Forever. But I just miss you tonight.
Four years ago, I wrote her these words:
I thought really hard about you for a long time last night as I lay there…alone. Wishing with everything in me, that you could be in that little room. Wishing that if I wished hard enough, maybe just maybe you could somehow, come back? That if I thought long and hard, maybe I could bring you back. But then again, that would be selfish, now, wouldn’t it? It hasn’t been clear here at night for a long time, but a few weeks ago, the moon was out big and bright, the way you liked it. I heard you gasp and saw you point. I closed my eyes, and you were here. Looking at the stars with me. The stars were bright, shinning. The sky was a deep royal blue, the moon…so perfect. The air crisp and cool. But that didn’t matter, because you were here again. But then, I opened my eyes…and it was just me. Standing there, staring at the dark sky. Looking at ordinary stars, and a moon. Nothing out of the ordinary about that.
Maybe tonight. I will go look at those stars. And find some comfort in knowing that shes no longer looking at them, but that she is one of them.