No matter how hard things are, no matter how dark the nights are, no matter how high the waters are…there is ALWAYS hope. Sometimes you have to try harder to find it, and sometimes you have to fight to see it…but it is always there. Its not the hope or the light that hides, its your perspective that changes. Instead of looking up – you are looking down. You are looking behind, and all around…but never straight ahead – where the hope is. Where the light is.
I sometimes forget that. Those few simple words. I sometimes think that if everyone isn’t busting a gut laughing, then I am doing something wrong. If we all arent happy go lucky all the time, then all hope is lost and the light is gone and there is nothing to look forward to. It might sound extreme, and it is, probably. But its the condensed version of my life. Its how it is for me. And lately, there hasn’t been a whole lot of laughing. Or has there? Have I just not listened for it? Am I turning my ears the other direction because to hear that laughter would mean things are ok, and maybe I don’t want them to be ok right now. Because Im not ok right now.
Sometimes it sucks to be my mind.
The other day on the way to work I was thinking about something completely unrelated to what I am about to say, when I saw someone I know. A kid probably around 17. Ive known his mom since he was just a real little kid. Their family has been through the ups and downs that life seems happy to throw us all. Her husband left when the kids were little, and left her no choice but to raise them as a single mom. Her daughter has gone to rehab once or twice, and every time she seems to be ok again, she slips up and they go back on the ride of rehab. As I watched him cross the street I wondered how his life would have been different had he had a strong male influence in it.
I wasn’t thinking it to be mean, but rather just pondering the humor life seems to have. Having been raised by a single mom and an older sister, he grew up pretty much how you would expect, and while he strutted down the sidewalk it hit me. Madison needs this.
She NEEDS a female influence in her life. Plain and simple. Not right or wrong. It just is how it is, and it is something I cannot be. No matter how much I try to be a good uncle to the kids, I cannot (and really, would never want to) be that influence in her life that she needs. Saying that now seems so simple, so clear, so “Duh.” But when I realized it late last week, it was something I had never thought of before. Something that as basic as it may seem, never entered my mind. That this might be something that she NEEDS. Not just wants.
And really, who am I to say no to that?
Sometimes, I just need to let go of my stubborn thoughts and realize there are more than one way to do things…and just because MY way didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the road. It doesn’t mean I need to turn around and ignore the light, and the happiness, and the good that is in this situation as a whole. It simply means I need to be ok with this…because this? Is what she needs. Its what we need. Its whats best. Whats good.
Its what it is.
Its life. Its change. It’s the in and outs and up and downs…it’s the light at the end of the tunnel, or rather, the light bulb moment when I realize…
The light was never gone. The hope was still there. It wasn’t the hope that was gone, but rather my perspective.