The answers that arent mine

“What would you do?” Never has worked for me.  I cant walk up to someone whos opinion I trust and ask what they would do, because their situation wouldn’t match mine, and their opinion would be bias to their situation.  In their situation, what works, might not work in mine.  Ultimately, the decision is mine and if there is one thing I truly suck at – its making decisions.  I have muddled my way through them, making them as needed, stepping up to the plate and deciding.  Dinner?  Check.  Work?  Done.  Schools?  Here.  Clothes?  Mostly clean.

All along my driving motivation has been the same.  The motivation for making the ultimate decision to fight to get the kids back, was and still is the same.  I wanted them to have each other.  I knew I couldn’t offer them the best of anything.  I knew there were other people more qualified, but all along I have had the same driving focus.  As long as they were together.  As long as they had each other.  As long as they were together it didn’t matter where they were, because they would have each other.  And now?  That’s being threatened.  And with it a whole lot of ground foundation.

Foundation that I worked hard to lay.  For moments like these.  Except now its all being threatened and I don’t know where to go or what to do.

Is it me?  Just being selfish?  Grasping for anything I can to not HAVE to let her go?  Is it my selfish wants to hold onto something, to be in control of this one thing in life?  Is it me?  Just being stupid?

The most common advice has been that she is old enough to make her own decisions.  Let her go.  If its meant to be, she will come back.  But I disagree.  I do not agree that she is old enough to make these decisions, because she is ONLY fifteen.  Yes.  I agree.  She is old enough to make decisions, but these?  I don’t know.  I really don’t think so.  Or is she?  Am I being unfair in saying that this decision is still mine to make, when really, its hers?

Its not cut and dry.  Atleast for me its not, and maybe I could do away with a lot of the confusion if I just said yes it is her choice.  But then when does it become her choice?  When did it become her choice?  And is it the boys choice too?  Was I wrong?  To bring them in?

The questions are killers.  And can lead me down some dark and twisted roads.  Which is why I have tried, to avoid them.  And for the most part, have been successful.  Pushing these thoughts off the furthest cliffs I can find and keeping busy to avoid the reappearance of them.

But tomorrow I go and pick her up from the airport, and am already feeling sick about whats coming.

Im clueless.

No one tells you about these things when you are starting out.  No one can answer the questions for me because the situation doesn’t fit.  She isn’t my child.  So technically I have no right to be making the decisions for her.  But I do have custody.  So that gives me some “Right” but if this isn’t what she wants, then its wrong to keep her here….and if its wrong to keep her here, then maybe its wrong to keep the boys here because there have been MANY times I have thought about a better situation for Josh…and well, if my original foundation of keeping them together at all cost is no longer standing – then what?

It isn’t simple.  To me.  It isn’t as clear to me as it is to everyone else.  I don’t need people telling me that she is just a bad kid who is doing what teenagers do.  Because she isn’t bad.  Shes a good kid.  I do understand that I am not the best fit.  I also understand this isn’t about me.  But my mind screams for answers.  If this isn’t the best for her – and it isn’t the best for them – and it isn’t about me – …

When the answer to the question doesnt fit, then what?

To think of the irony that is I just asked myself if that really WAS rock bottom.  To know that it wasn’t.  To know that there is a black hole, waiting, for me…

What is the answer?  What is the best?  Why do I get stuck with the no win decisions.


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