Letting go

I lay awake for a long time last night, fighting back the thoughts that so desperately wanted to come and argue. Trying, vainly, to put aside my wants and thoughts and focus on them. And whats best for them. Trying, to understand what WAS best. And how something could be the best when it really doesn’t feel like the best. Im trying. To do the best for them, and cling to those words that it will be alright, because right now, it doesn’t seem like it will be.

For so long I fought to get the kids here. To keep them together. To do whatever I could to give them a good safe place to grow up. To give them the best I could, knowing it would never amount to what they could have had. And just when I think things have reached the point of being ok, a bump in the road upsets the whole eco system called my life. And really, I have to wonder – was all that for nothing?

This parenting stuff. Its rough.

Especially rough when you really have no idea if it’s the best or not. When you are getting mixed signals from every direction and everyone has their own opinions.

Its been a long time coming. Its something that we have discussed at great lengths, just her and I. Something that many arguments have stemmed from and something that most people (including myself) have seen coming for a long time, simply wondering “When” it would take off. And it seems to have launched. And now? There really is no stopping it.

Madison wants to live with her grandparents. And as hard as it is to say that, its even harder to come to terms with.

Honestly I have no words for it.

As hard as I try, I just cannot separate my selfish thoughts from what is best for her. I cannot find the thin line that says “This is best” and “This is what YOU want and not what she wants.” Because I honestly don’t know if I am supposed to be ok with this or not. No one tells you these things. No one says that one day, she will say she wants to live somewhere else. And as much as I try to justify MY want to keep her with thoughts of not wanting her to be hurt, I cant.

Because I know, somewhere deep down, that she needs this. She needs me to let her go. She needs me to let her try something new. She needs me to let her leave.

It just goes against everything in me.

And its hard. To think about letting another one go.

Sucking it up and looking at this logically has not been easy. But when it comes down to it, the facts are she thinks she needs this. Telling her other only deepens her belief that she DOES infact need it, and I am standing in her way. And if there is one thing I know about her its that her stubborn go get ‘em attitude is not any match for me. As much as it hurts to think of letting her go, I know that it will only hurt our relationship if I try and hold her back.

Because I know. She needs this.

But me? I need her here. I need her safe in her own room. In her own bed. Where I can monitor her every move and remind her to do those silly things that she really doesn’t need me reminding her to do. Its selfish, for me to want to keep her here. Its selfish to try and argue her any other way. And Im not. Im really not. Im not upset at her choice, Im not mad at her, and I still love her to pieces. Im only upset with myself.

For knowing this was coming, and not preparing for it more. For thinking maybe she would change her mind. This is what she needs, and Im ok with it. Or atleast, I will try to be. Knowing that its best. Best for her. And really. That’s what matters.

Now if I could just convince myself of these things, we would be alright.

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