Pretty much in tune with how I do things, the reality of what yesterday was didn’t register with me until I was safely tucked between the blankets trying to head off to dream land. Its where I have done most of my grieving. Away from the reality of the world, a place where I don’t have to worry about being interrupted and putting on that “I am GREAT!” face that gets me through those hard moments. I shouldn’t have worried, but yesterday I was a little…concerned that I wasn’t even slightly moved by the fact that another year had come and gone. But as the day wore on, so did the happy face that I wasn’t even trying to put on. And as the night came to a close, it all hit me.
The reality of where I am today.
I don’t share these things with anyone, these thoughts, these days. Their mine. Except sometimes people know something is amiss and they push for answers. Answers I don’t want to give. In those moments, those days, I want people to treat me like they do every other day – because on those days I need nothing more than something normal to hang onto. Its just me. And how I am.
Laying there last night, watching my life roll out before me, I realized something. Something I had tried to think of yesterday, but something that was lost rather quickly in the whole thought process. I have come a long way since where I was five years ago…and I don’t say that in a bragging sort of way. I say that in a reminding way to myself – that it IS ok to not be distraught when another year rolls around, and it IS ok to be a bit sad. I sometimes think that we place these unrealistic ideas on ourselves. We give ourselves limits, and tell ourselves that THIS is how it is to be, and when its not – that’s when we get in trouble. Or atleast I do.
Five years ago – was the bottom for me. Having lost EVERYTHING that was of any importance to me, it was the absolute bottom. Of course, since then I have wondered if it WAS actually the bottom, but for me looking back, it was the turning point in my life. The place where I was FORCED to make a decision. To get up or roll over. For me, the day means so much more than saying goodbye to someone I loved. I meant having to put that on hold, and push forward, push through and do whatever it took to come out the other side.
Honestly I can say that I, that we, have come out the other side.
While I lay there yesterday, thinking over how much has been lost, I couldn’t help but realize how much I still have. It doesn’t seem fair to loose myself in grief, when I have fought so hard to get here. Its not fair to me, or anyone else…and while I still have those moments, that come, late at night when I am safe from speculators, I can honestly say – Things are ok. We. Are ok. I. Am ok.
It may not be ideal, I may not always be happy, sure I get mad and frustrated and downright pissed off. But Im ok. I miss them, yes. But there are others here who I still love and deserve to atleast have me see the good that is them.
And how can I grieve over that?