OK

Pretty much in tune with how I do things, the reality of what yesterday was didn’t register with me until I was safely tucked between the blankets trying to head off to dream land.  Its where I have done most of my grieving.  Away from the reality of the world, a place where I don’t have to worry about being interrupted and putting on that “I am GREAT!” face that gets me through those hard moments.  I shouldn’t have worried, but yesterday I was a little…concerned that I wasn’t even slightly moved by the fact that another year had come and gone.  But as the day wore on, so did the happy face that I wasn’t even trying to put on.  And as the night came to a close, it all hit me.

The reality of where I am today.

I don’t share these things with anyone, these thoughts, these days.  Their mine.  Except sometimes people know something is amiss and they push for answers.  Answers I don’t want to give.  In those moments, those days, I want people to treat me like they do every other day – because on those days I need nothing more than something normal to hang onto.  Its just me.  And how I am.

Laying there last night, watching my life roll out before me, I realized something.  Something I had tried to think of yesterday, but something that was lost rather quickly in the whole thought process.  I have come a long way since where I was five years ago…and I don’t say that in a bragging sort of way.  I say that in a reminding way to myself – that it IS ok to not be distraught when another year rolls around, and it IS ok to be a bit sad.  I sometimes think that we place these unrealistic ideas on ourselves.  We give ourselves limits, and tell ourselves that THIS is how it is to be, and when its not – that’s when we get in trouble.  Or atleast I do.

Five years ago – was the bottom for me.  Having lost EVERYTHING that was of any importance to me, it was the absolute bottom.  Of course, since then I have wondered if it WAS actually the bottom, but for me looking back, it was the turning point in my life.  The place where I was FORCED to make a decision.  To get up or roll over.  For me, the day means so much more than saying goodbye to someone I loved.  I meant having to put that on hold, and push forward, push through and do whatever it took to come out the other side.

Honestly I can say that I, that we, have come out the other side.

While I lay there yesterday, thinking over how much has been lost, I couldn’t help but realize how much I still have.  It doesn’t seem fair to loose myself in grief, when I have fought so hard to get here.  Its not fair to me, or anyone else…and while I still have those moments, that come, late at night when I am safe from speculators, I can honestly say – Things are ok.  We.  Are ok.  I.  Am ok.

It may not be ideal, I may not always be happy, sure I get mad and frustrated and downright pissed off.  But Im ok.  I miss them, yes.  But there are others here who I still love and deserve to atleast have me see the good that is them.

And how can I grieve over that?

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