(another) August 1st

Five years ago, I told myself that I needed to write down everyday.  Because someday, when I was looking back I would want to remember.  I would want to know how I was dealing, and how far I had come.  But I remember wondering how was I supposed to write anything when I wasn’t feeling anything.  Wasn’t thinking anything.  Just was blank.  Void.  Empty.  Five years later, I feel the same way.

Like I am forcing it.  Like I just cant remember, and its just easier to forget.  But Im stuck.  Stuck in that place, where I have been many times.  That place where I NEED to let go, but am afraid to let go, because I don’t want to loose her.  And her memories.  I want to hold on as long as I can, even though I know this is the vital step needed.

Im there.  Needing to let go.  Ready to let go.  But I cant.  I just cant let go.

Lately I have been struggling to hold on.  Scraping together all the thoughts and memories, and pictures I can.  Seeking out people to tell me about her, and what they remember.  Wishing to have something that will spark something in my mind.  But Im getting nothing.

Because I need to let go.  I need to let her go.  But fear, once again, holds me back.  Holds her back.  Fearing that if I let her go, I will let go of everything.  And forget her.  Even though I know its not true.  Even though I know that in letting go, comes the freedom to remember and love and laugh.  Even though I know that letting go, although one of the hardest steps there is, is one of the most rewarding.  I cant.  I cant let her go.

I hear about other people loosing someone, I hear about other deaths, I see death creeping closer and closer and all I can do is freeze.  And maybe panic some.  But other than that, I get nothing.

Today, five years later, I feel nothing.

Much like five years ago, I have nothing.  The words I want to say, wont come.  They are being forced, they are generic.  They don’t fit.  Five years later, I am facing letting go of someone who I loved very much, but have grieved very little for.

Someone who I have very few words for, on this day that I don’t want to acknowledge.

I do miss you little one, I miss your sense of adventure and zest for life.  I miss your stubbornness, and if it matters – I still havent mastered the grilled cheese


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