Pause, Please

Being the youngest, and often, quietest; with so many other issues pressing for my attention, there are certain aspects of his life that get overlooked.  Aspects of his life, that quite honestly, I didn’t even think about.  I am always talking about letting him be a kid, but no sooner do I say it, do I forget the words and push him into another therapist appointment.  Barely having the time to look his direction unless he is flailing about on the ground and even then, I don’t know what triggered it, I just know that it did and here we are and I don’t have time to back track lets get this taken care of and get the little guy back on his feet.

Friday I put Madison and Dylan on an airplane to go see their grandparents.  I came home later that night and he and I both fell into one of the deepest longest sleeps in I don’t remember how long.  I took the following day off to catch up on some sleep, and after we got off to a very easy unhurried, uneventful morning – we hit the grocery store.

Its been three days since it has just been him and I, and there are things I know about him that I honestly hate to say I didn’t know.  I know he loves grape jelly, that he has an undying love for the color orange and cold peas.  I have discovered that he has some issues with certain foods, but he soldiers on like the best of them and gets his way through.  He loves him some quiet time, and that I knew, but what he does during those hours of solid silence, was something I never knew.  He talks to himself, his bear, his toys, he babbles on saying things that I might not understand, or cant connect, or make sense of, but to him, make perfect sense.  He has an imagination, and ideas of how things should be.

But one thing I really didn’t know, was that he likes to be with people too.  When it was just him and I the other night, paying little to no attention of my surroundings he pushed his way onto my lap.  We didn’t say anything, we didn’t need to.  It was just him and I in a moment of absolute perfect silence.

He cries, but he has a reason for his tears, and I never had the time to focus on what was causing his problems, only how to move past them.  Never being able to address the problem, just cover it up, until next time.  His reactions arent just out of the blue, even though a lot of times they appear that way.

I spend so much time trying to get him to be “ok” that I fail to realize, he is.  He so badly wants to please me, yet I am too busy being busy to notice.  He wants my attention, just like the other kids, and the only way he knows how to get it is to react.  Hearing him laugh out loud, seeing him smile, knowing that he is happy and is ok, and isn’t always reacting out of fear, are all things I have failed to pay attention to.

Seeing him as a kid, seeing him how I wish others would see him.  Having the time to see him for who HE is and not who he should be…

This isn’t to say that he has changed anything, its to say that I have been able to see him differently.  I have been able to see him as a growing boy who isn’t so little, who has opinions, and strong ones at that.  To see him as a boy who loves to play, and loves to live just as passionately as everyone else…To see the areas he struggles in, and to be able to see beyond that.

Having the time to love on the kid who is changing and growing so fast…

Not having to have all the answers, just simply being able to exist, right along side of him, and breath a sigh of relief that he doesn’t care if I know everything.  He is simply happy to be.  And so am I.

Because seeing this guy happy?  Makes me happy, and makes me want to hit the pause button instead of fast forward.


One comment

  1. I know what you mean. I have an 18 and 12 yr old, so my 5 yr old Aspie sometimes gets shuffled along during the days activities. Even though we homeschool we are still busy going to practice, field trips or co-ops. It’s those moment with just him and I that I enjoy the most. He has so many interesting things to say. 2-3 times a day on a normal day I try to set aside time. We do have those days when we only get night time together. And when we have our time together I only focus on him and what we are doing. I wish like crazy I could pause this time too. I do the same thing to my other kids at least once a day where it’s just the 2 of us. I didn’t have that growing up in foster care, so I make a point to do this. I love your blog so much, thanks for a great post!!
    Kaden’s blog is

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