No matter what

His head shows up, under my arm.  My arm that is connected to my hand, that is holding a cup of coffee.  The precious coffee that it is, gets jolted while he jams his head harder, and more persistently.  Coffee slops over the edge and down my hand.  A liquid puddle forms underneath my cup.  Coffee, that I wanted, now sits in a perfectly formed circle on my desk.  He pushes my arm and hand, now free from the firm grasp I had on the cup away and climbs onto my lap.

I close my mouth and hold the angry words inside.

He sighs and sits back, leaning his head back against my chest.  I cant see what hes looking at or what he is thinking, but in that moment I realize something.

There is a paper towel not two inches from the coffee mess, a paper towel that I reach for, and instantly, the mess is gone.

Resting my head in his dirty blonde hair I sigh too.

So often I am so quick to get upset over things that really just don’t matter.  I am the greatest offender.  I take advantage of this life.  I take these kids, as if they will be here for every and always.  Even though I, of all people, know.

Messes.  They wipe up.  Dirt.  It washes away.  Memories fade.  Things forgotten.  But harsh words, angry actions – they are so much harder to erase.  I watch him daily, struggle with things that because of one thing or another, has hurt him.  And then I see him climb onto my lap without a second thought, and my first reaction is to get mad.  Over spilled coffee.

I gave him a tight squeeze, he lets out a laugh, and runs on his way having no idea what those two minutes have done.

And something inside me, wonders.  Why am I so quick to say no?  So quick to get mad.  So quick, to put myself first.

These kids.  Really, are all that matters to me.  And yet so often, the reality of life sets in, and I want to take it all back.  I want to push them back to that place.  I want to put him back into harms way, because I don’t want to be hurt again.

Something made sense to me today.  Something clicked.  That missing link between loving them openly, and not getting hurt…it fit together.  I WILL continue to love them, even if it means I could be hurt more, because I want them to know.  I don’t want to send him back to that place where he was scared and hurting.  I want him to know, that I love him.  And always will.

No matter what.

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