What I didnt know

When news like this starts to circulate, I tend to become more aware of the world around me, for however brief the time.  Suddenly I am painfully reminded how short life is, and how hard it can be sometimes.  Words are suddenly coming out of nowhere from people I don’t even know, and somehow I am drawn to the hardest stories of the time.  I guess its sort of like when you focus on a problem, it just gets bigger.  I havent been focused on it, per say, but it has been on my mind, and when something is on my mind, it seems like everything else is somehow, directly or indirectly, related to it.  Making the problem that much bigger.  And lets be honest here, that problem really didn’t need to be much bigger.

Once something like that starts to circulate in my mind, I do one of two things – either grab those closest to me and never let them go, or I back off.  Mostly out of fear of being hurt.  I would prefer the hurt to be on my terms, not theirs.  Not deaths.  But mine.  In short, I want some control, and when things are out of my control, I go a little nuts.  More so than usual.

All that is to say this weekend, I did a little bit of both.  I did both equal parts of pushing people away all while trying to keep them close, to say I was confused would be an understatement.  To say they were confused would be the blunt honest truth.  To say I really should have been committed would be a better way of saying it.

In the middle of a seemingly innocent conversation someone mentioned how hard it would be to get money if their husband died.  “Yea but…if he were dead, can you imagine trying to pay that money?” They questioned.  And I wanted to yell “There is a man with a DEATH sentence on his LIFE and all you can think about is money?”  Im pretty sure money is really the furthest thing from their minds.  And then you have the people who say their grief is so much harder because they didn’t get the chance to say good bye.  Im telling you, its NOT easier to have the chance to say good bye.  How.  Do you say good bye?  How do you live, knowing that in a few months – your life – may as well be over?

Thing is, I have had the chance to say good bye.  And I have had death sneak in and snatch my loved ones away before I could blink.  Thing is, I have been in the house of my friends, who got up that morning and went about their daily routine, only to have their entire life, shattered.  In an instant.  Thing is, I have friends who know their dad has exactly two months (and counting the days down) to say good bye to their dad, and I KNOW they arent thinking “Well atleast I can say good bye!” Thing is, the worry and panic, and fear is back.

For the first time, in a long time, I am worried about loosing someone I love.  Because there for a while, I didn’t let myself love.  I didn’t let myself open up.  I didn’t let myself get close.  I called it off at the first sign of caring and let myself be seen as a cold hearted SOB.  I was told so.  And as much as that hurt, I was ok with it.  Its how I wanted to be seen.  I didn’t want people getting close.  It worked.  And now.

Now I don’t know if I should run while I can, or stand still and wait for it to hit.

I don’t hear from a friend, and suddenly I am reading the obituaries.  The kid isn’t home when I get home and I freak the heck out.  I know the answers are there.  I know they are.  I just cant see them right now, because I am too busy staring wide eyed out the window, as if I will be able to see “it” coming and somehow stop it.  If Im on high alert, maybe I can stop it.

Don’t mind me, Im just going a little crazy trying to figure this all out.

I didn’t realize I cared about so many people, I didn’t realize I had so many avenues to be hurt.  I didn’t realize…that learning to love, and live again, could be this hard.

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