Living life as if I were living, and not dying, is almost easier said than done in a world where it is impossible to escape the fact that death looms around any corner. I try, to avoid certain things. I dance around sensitive words, and try to fill my mind with the positive things in life. I don’t worry about dying myself, but I worry about someone close dying. I don’t like to think about it. I don’t want to. I could get myself sick with panic if I stopped to allow just a little bit in. What if that car doesn’t see them crossing the street? What if she isn’t paying attention and steps out in front of a bus? What if some careless person looks away from what they are doing and slams into him? What if that gun WAS loaded? What if…I block it out to the best of my ability, trying to choose to live. Trying to LIVE and not see death on everything.
But there are those moments when all that hard work of trying, and pushing, and avoiding and not watching the news – slams in with out any notice.
I mentioned last week that a friends dad has cancer. And then I tried to forget about it, because forgetting about it will make it all go away. Except that more and more people have found out, and since it’s a small town, and so many people knew him, and know I knew him, they want to talk about it – because that’s what people do. They spread the news to other people who might have knew him, just incase they didn’t know. And every time someone says “Hey you knew…” my heart sinks a bit more. Because I didn’t KNEW…I KNOW them, and I don’t WANT to hear that news again. But I nod, and agree that its sad, and oh yea, I need to get something else to go with dinner because I really don’t want to talk about it right now thank you very much.
The thing is – I cant avoid it. No matter how hard I try. I talked to someone a few days ago who had some more “Detailed news” about it. About him. About the family. And I know it’s a lot for them to have in their mind, and they wanted to talk about it, but really…why must I be at the end of these seemingly endless conversations. Words like “Brain Tumor” “Inoperable” “2 months” and “Coma” were tossed around. And while I tried to focus, the only thing I could REALLY focus on was the ground because I wanted to get sick right there.
I wanted to tell them to stop. To just STOP. Because I don’t want to hear anymore. I am trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other, and most times doing a great job I like to think. I don’t NEED help backsliding. I don’t need to hear how much time he has left. I don’t need to hear how his family is NOT coping with this news. I don’t need to hear what will eventually happen to him. I just don’t.
Last night I lay awake. Thinking it all over. Trying to remember what was said, and not being able to realizing I had officially blocked it all out.
Now every little ache and pain the kids have is instantly taken to a new level. I fear the worse. I leave them at home and worry that someone will break in. I worry that Josh will wander off and the other two wont notice. I worry that being so close to the road one of them will accidentally go out there, chasing a ball, a kid, a dog. And in an instant my life will be crushed. Again.
I cant fathom what his family is going through. I just cant. I know to an extent, but not completely. I was given a 50/50 shot with Emmy, and I held onto every bit of chance and hope there was. They were given a “Time limit” a “Terminal” diagnosis. Words that are everyday words tossed around like No. Big. Deal. And yet they are. They are so big. And so hard. And so painful.
Last night we went to the beach with friends, the same friends that not even two years ago we were there with. Just a short time before my friend suddenly died in a plane crash. These things. They just shouldn’t HAPPEN to people we know. They shouldn’t hit so close to home. And while I know they do, no matter how hard I try to keep them at bay, the thoughts creep in. And slowly…I find myself shutting down to the world. I find myself mentally packing up the boxes of friendship, and caring and trying to set them aside. Because it just sucks, and Im tired of things sucking.
I want to live. Like I am living. And like everyone I love is going to live WITH me. Because without them, it really isn’t life at all. I want to live, but I also want to live with those who make life WORTH living.