Wishing for words

I havent quite been able to find the words to say what I want to say. Or need to say. Or really, just need to understand. How can I understand something I cant even figure out how to say? I have lost numerous friends and family members over the past few years, some harder than others. Some simply reminding me how fragile life is, and how I need to just slow down and take it all in. And some, hurting just a little bit deeper.

This weekend a mutual friend told me that an old friends dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. An inoperable brain tumor that is being treated with radiation – but the statistics show that only 1% of people, live 6 months after diagnosis.

In the matter of minutes, I went from knowing where I stood in this world, to being completely unsure. I had to remind myself to do the things I was responsible for – go back to work, go home, get the kids. And so forth. Its not so much the fact that he is most likely, not going to live that long. Its not even the fact that people talk about him like he is already dead, or the fact that he has a family who will grieve over him. Its not even that I was that close to him. Or that I knew him that well, I was friends with his kids. I don’t know what it was. But ever since Sunday I have been grasping for anything.

Any bit of understanding. Any bit of anything. Because it just refuses to make sense to me.

How do you put words to something like this? What do you say? What do you do? Why do people keep dying? Am I suppose to be upset? Or this shaken about something that doesn’t even effect me personally?

Death seems to be dancing awful close to my house again, and I want to run. I want to take all that are important to me, wrap my arms around them so tightly and run. And never stop running.

Hearing the word brain tumor sent shock up and down my body. Much like it did those years ago. I have heard about 3 other people who have lost someone this week.

And people just keep going.

Like nothing is happening. Like nothing happens. Like there is nothing wrong in this world.

I just don’t have the words today.

To say. That I feel broken. And defeated. And flattened. And unsure.

I just don’t have the words.

And today, more than ever, I wish I did. I really, really, wish I did.


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