Today I just wanted to get mad. There was no reason in the world for me to be mad, it was even sunny. And maybe that’s what made me mad. The fact that even though I wanted to get mad? I had no good reason.
I have three great kids. Three really awesome kids. Who yes, drive me nuts and make me pull my hair out daily. But they are pretty awesome too. But…it doesn’t fill the gap. No matter how much they mean to me, no matter how much I love them. No matter how much I want them to. They just don’t.
Some days, I just want to share all this with her. Some days I just want to hold her close and show her things and watch her smile and hear her laugh. Some days I want to watch her. I want to know her personality. I want to. But I cant.
And Im expected to be ok with that.
I feel selfish and stupid even saying it, because I have three great reasons, three great kids. And yet Im wallowing around, pissed off because I don’t have the ONE I want…and that sounds so bad. And selfish. And I wonder what the kids would do if they knew I thought these things.
On those days I have to force myself out. Force myself away from the dark side of things. Force myself from seeing rain clouds where there is sun. Force myself to see life where I see death. I have to force myself to smile, when I want to yell. Because its only right. Its only fair. Its really the only thing I can do. Because soon enough, I will catch on. My heart will follow my mind. And things will be ok.
For one moment, for a short instant, for a very small window of time – I let myself think what if, why not, and how come. And then…I shove it aside…
Because there are three kids outside screaming with excitement, running in the sun, having a great day – and I really want to be a part of that too. So for now, for today, for however long I can, I put the thoughts aside, and love the moment I have been given.
Right now. Right here.