A little over four years ago I gave it up. I don’t say it to brag I say it because even four years later, I still struggle. I still battle the thoughts every day. Some days more than others. Most days, I am able to keep leave the thoughts at the door, and able to continue on with life as normal as normal is these days. But then there are days like Sunday, when its all I can to keep my head on straight. Which means that other people pay. For my decisions.
I used to say that it wasn’t hurting anyone but myself, and while that was mostly true…anymore, its not. Anymore, when days like Sunday come around – I lash out. I hurt people, I say things, I do whatever it takes – because well, that’s what Im supposed to do, right? But then I pay for it the following day with a headache that lasts a week, and everyone else pays for it and I hear things like “You know what you said the other day hurt me.” And I just want to throw in the towel because no one EVER said that when I wasn’t fighting off the battles.
The worst I heard was “Your hurting yourself.” or “Think of what you could be doing with your life.” It was always directly related to me, and how I was hurting myself. But now. Its not.
I don’t know if its worth it or not.
Because I would much rather hurt myself than someone else. It doesn’t work, in the heat of the moment, in the middle of a struggle to talk myself down. It builds, and eventually it blows. And in the midst of the battle to keep myself sober, as stupid as it sounds, I can only talk myself out of one thing at a time.
I really don’t know how to say it. I really don’t even know what Im trying to say.
Just that I am struggling. And trying to decide if its worth it – to keep fighting through, hurting others. Or to just give in. Give up. In the heat of the moment, in the midst of the struggle and mind warping thoughts I have to wonder…is it really worth this?