I feel like a broken record, lately. Like everything I say has already been said, so why bother saying it all over again? How many times can I say the same thing, and how different can I make it? The bottom line is always the same. Im tired. Wore out. Empty. Ready to give in life. Its not the big things, it’s the little things. The things that throw me over the edge, and toss me to the ground, the things I know I should be able to deal with, the small stupid things that don’t really matter. The things that because I cant deal with, even though I know I should be able to, cause me to have guilt.
Walking off last night, leaving a screaming kid behind. Because I was simply too tired to help him anymore. Staying up late into the night, and coming home to the same situation of a sick, tired, and cranky kid…and I just want to walk off. Even though. Even though I know. And somewhere deep down I truly don’t WANT to walk off, but I fear what will happen if I don’t…and second guessing and guilt don’t waste their time coming in.
Everyone has an answer. A solution. A “Well if they were MY kids…” and sometimes I just want to say “Then take them. Take them already. Because they arent mine either.”
With everything that is going on, I feel like I am waiting to break. And it’s the small stupid things that send me over the edge. The crying. The fighting. The screaming. The accidents. The attitude. When everything is piled up, and I cant see past it…
And I snap. I walk away from a sick kid who really cant help how hes feeling. I walk away from the moody teenager who doesn’t understand why shes feeling that way and hell if I know. I walk away from the math problems that I don’t understand, and he understands even less. I walk away from the puddles of pee and dishes that seem to be burying me alive. And I wonder…
What would life be like, if.
I have to send the idea out of my head, because if I go down that road, I know there is no coming back today.
It starts out small, and somehow always ends there. With me wishing for what I don’t have because somehow…SOMEHOW it would be easier. Even though I know it wont be. Even though I know it wouldn’t be.
I just am tired. Today.
And then some.
I already know how grateful I should be. I already know how happy I should be. How lucky I should feel. I already know. Believe me, I know. But its hard to feel lucky…when all I can see is the troubles, and dark downward spiral. Its hard to see up, when Im too worried about looking down.
I just have to give in. Because there really isn’t any other option.