Such is life.
I was looking back over the past year, and realized I have written maybe once or twice where I mentioned Dylans name. I then got to wondering if I am maybe leaving him out. If maybe Im not paying enough attention to him. Maybe hes slipping through the cracks unnoticed, well on his way to trouble that will later be traced back to his early teenage years. But then I realized…for me? Hes just easier. He is what your ideal kid would look like, atleast to me. One look at him and you can pretty much tell where hes at – he is either hungry, or hungry. There arent any middle grounds. He doesn’t flip out about clothes, isn’t picky about what he eats as long as he eats and can usually be found in bed around 10pm. He rarely talks back, and always has a joke ready to fire off.
Simply put? He doesn’t fall through the cracks, I just don’t have as much confusion when it comes to him.
He loves to be outside, loves guns, and sports. Loves to eat, and laugh and have a good time. And he loves to sleep. He really doesn’t really need any other person around. Hes happy to be by himself or with a friend. But he doesn’t go out of his way to make arrangements to meet up with someone. Hes mostly happy, mostly healthy, all around good kid who doesn’t stir up trouble and rarely picks a fight. Which isn’t to say he doesn’t get in trouble, or get in fights…he just doesn’t go out of his way to find it. It finds him easy enough.
Really, he isn’t bothered by much. People have often told me that I need to get him help, because he doesn’t seem fazed by anything. The kid has come out of a rough situation, gone through a year and ½ of therapy, struggled with his grades and come out on top of things, despite everything. He doesn’t hold a grudge, doesn’t get angry, and pretty much smiles whenever he gets the chance. Hes just a happy go lucky kind of guy who seems to have his priorities right.
But then a part of me wonders…
Is he struggling? I don’t worry about him until someone mentions something, and says that quiet kids are more susceptible to things like drugs and alcohol, and even suicide. And then I get all panicked thinking that I should be doing something like changing his demeanor because kids just arent suppose to act the way he does, are they?
Nothing ever seems to be right. There never seems to be the middle ground. Madison talks too much. Dylan doesn’t talk enough. Josh needs to talk. And when Madison stops talking, and Dylan picks up where she left off – that will be wrong too because girls are supposed to talk more than boys and if shes quiet then something is wrong, and well…when will my head stop spinning and when. Will things just be ok.
I could spend much of my life worried. It would be so easy. So easy to worry about them, because its true. I do worry. About them. I worry that Madison will talk herself into trouble, and Dylan will one day lash out at everyone and years of anguish will come to the top. I worry that one day they wont come home. I do worry. A lot. But I cant spend my entire life worried about them not being ok. I might not know a lot about them, I might not know how they really are feeling but I do know that they both are comfortable talking about things, and that small thing lets me rest at night.
There isn’t anything ideal here. Nothing perfect, nothing cut and dry. Things are complicated, and messed up, and confusing, and frustrating, and Im not even sure they will get out of this unscathed. But Im doing the best I can. Im doing what I can. Im trying to give them everything I can, and everything they need. And I hope that one day, when they grow up and look back, the only complaints they will have will be that they didn’t get enough candy.
Because they can have that when they have their own four walls to bounce off of.