I often fantasize over what it would be like to know what I know now, at a time I didnt. I wonder what I would do, and how things would pan out…and just last night, I realized something I had never thought about before. There is a reason why we, we people, dont get to know what happens next. Can you imagine the chaos? The grief? The frustration? I can. Last night I fantasized over knowing. And in that brief second, I wondered what I would do. The shocking things that came to mind were enough to make me realize – I dont WANT to know.
Lately I have just been tired. And weak. Although I am too ashamed to admit to it, I feel like I am giving in. Giving in to the world around me, and surrendering to whatever it is. Im tossing in a towel I thought I would forever grip and throwing my hands in the air. Im on my knees begging to be able to let go, only I cant. For reasons unknown. I am tired of the things that once got me up in the morning. Tired of realizing that these kids are MY strength and not the other way around. Im tired of them saving me, and keeping me going, and in a moment of frustration, I am even angry at them. Because if it werent for them….
Im not crazy. Really. Even though so often, and especially as of lately, I feel as if I really truly am too far gone to come back. Maybe I am. Maybe I have checked out. Maybe there is no return. MAYBE I dont want to. Maybe I want to give up, and let go, and be done already. People seem so obsessed with trying to make me realize that there are things to hold onto, but what they dont seem to understand is that I know. For the past seven years, for the past nine years, for the past four years, for the past two years. For the past year. I KNOW. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. Im afraid I know too much of the wrong things, because the only thing I seem to know now is that the very things I hold onto…can slip away at an moment.
Holding onto things for selfish reasons, watching them slip away, loving because I honestly dont know what else to do, and tossing my life into a gamble is too much for me. I dont WANT something to hold onto. I dont need something to grasp. I have everything I need, except a reason. A solid reason.
Friends come, and friends go. Broken promises, empty reasons. And once again – I am left holding the bag. I am left pushing away people who at one time meant the world to me. Why? Because I am tired of being hurt. And let down. And pushed on and towards things I dont want.
The only thing….the only people I want, arent here.
In my fantasy…I see things. I take a different road, and once again we are together. The feeling of holding them in my arms again is almost more than I can bear….and then I open my eyes. And reality sets in, and once again I am angry at people – people who have kept me going. Because if it werent for them…I would be where I have wanted to be all along. I guess its true – you cant always have what you want. And you cant always want, what you have.