I have nine notepads open, a six paged article up and more tabs open than I can count. My brain is running on over time, over heating and over thinking. My thoughts come faster than I can get them out, and things just arent making sense. I feel on the break of a breakdown. Or breakthrough. Im afraid of being committed. Because my thoughts are getting the best of me. I can only say the same thing so many times before people start to wonder. Because I have to have my thoughts lined up before I tell them to people, except these wont line up. They go so many directions I might as well be driving six cars at once.
To start things off, I read an article someone took the time to scan and send me. A six paged article on Introverts vs extroverts. Something I never really gave too much thought to. I was working a pretty decent theory when I opened the last attachment, and the floodgates of all thoughts were broken with the rivers of thoughts that came from this.
“The best wisdom I can offer I learned on the job-not as a doctor but as a parent. As dangerous as the consequences of shyness can be for development, the dangers of parents’ imposing some ideal vision of childhood behavior on their kids are more insidious.All children have their own lens through which they view the world. If that lens refracts things in the softer, quieter focus of the introvert, parents must accept that. The occasional social nudge is fine for a withdrawn or timid child. But a full, unreserved embrace is better still.”
And then I went on a frantic search through my own words, knowing I have wondered the very same thing. Am I accepting him for who he is? Really? By putting him through hours of therapy to what…make him who he isnt? Should I be accepting him? Am I doing more harm than good by subjecting him to what could be hours of harmful torture? What I came up with was frightening. Over the course of the years, I have wondered multiple things: Is keeping him the best? Is therapy working? AM I ACCEPTING HIM FOR WHO HE IS? The words jumped off the screen at me.
I realize that he has “Issues” but since when has “Personality” become an issue? Since when has personality become a label instead of a guide? Since when has the goal been to change him, instead of understanding him, and helping him – if need be. Helping him what? Become like the rest of the world?
How can I expect him to be himself – when the world, when I, am trying to strip him of what.
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”
What I have tonight, is a clip board of my thoughts. This is what I read: Charms of the quiet child and these are my thoughts. Second guessing all the way. / I dont know where she got it from. / Is it what it is? / Do I want to understand? / Finding the line.