The important things

In and out. Up and down.

I watched him, sleeping a few weeks back. Wondering. What he thought about. What went on in his head, what kind of thoughts he kept up there, and if he would ever share them. Wondering if he wanted to share them. Wondering, if perhaps, his outbursts were simply because he has no other way to get things out. He doesnt have words he can use to say whats in his mind. So often, I feel trapped and help back because I have a lack of words to put my thoughts together with. How does he feel? Its a no wonder he acts the way he does.

He smiled. In his sleep. Fidgeting before bursting out with a laugh.

In and out. Up and down.

Is it a happy place? His dreams? Do they keep him going? Does he look forward to sleeping? Does he remember? Does he wonder? Does he know? I know he must. But what. And how much.

I see him stop, and watch. Cautiously, carefully. Holding out. Holding back. Making sure. Testing the waters before diving head first. Cautious. And shy. Yet bold and so brave at the same time. Does he know what makes him this way? Does he know why he is scared of the things he is? Does he wonder why he cant do things that come so easily to others? Does he wonder why so many people talk about him? Does he care?

He watches. With big eyes. And hears everything that is being said. I know he must understand. I know he is soaking it all in, and waiting. For just the right moment.

A turn of his head, and he sees me. Watching. He stares a few seconds, then smiles. And runs towards me. Like he does every time. Without fail. The slight hesitation in him makes me wonder. But the smile he gives makes it all worth it. He doesnt think twice about whos watching now, he runs to me. And wiggles with excitement like a puppy. His eyes bursting with excitement. Does he want to tell me something or is he just happy to see a familiar face?

He turns. To make sure I am there. He takes a deep breath and doesnt look back. He must know. He must know something I dont. He must have something figured out, he must be wise beyond his seven years to understand things I still struggle with. I wish he could tell me his secrets, tell me what he knows, but since he cant…I will have to keep watching. Watching him while he watches me. Learning from him what he cant learn from me. Maybe someday we can swap stories, but something tells me the unspoken things are far more important than any words.

The things he teaches me, the things I fail grasp. The things that are important, and the things that arent.

In and out. Up and down.


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