Sometimes I have to ask myself, does it really matter? When its all said and done…does it REALLY matter? I mean really?The irony of life, is sometimes lost on me. Things I cant explain, things that people really wouldnt understand, and I really wouldnt want to try and explain. Things that confuse me. I watch movies and wish, just for a moment, that I could be like the people on tv. Like a five year old, wishing to be like his super hero, I wish to be one step ahead of the game.
And then I just wish that people would discover everything about me so it just wouldnt matter anymore.
I have tried, this long. Doesnt that count for anything? Does it not count towards something? Does it not matter?
When do I get a say in things? When does what I think matter? When do I get to finally decide that I have just had enough, and call the shots. When.
Atleast for once in my life, I would be ahead of the game.
When do I get to give my aching heart a break. When. Will it just give up. And why does it keep going on.
I am tired of hearing others problems, tired of trying to solve the world. Tired. Of getting up in the morning. While I lay here, chest pounding for reasons unknown, people continue about life. Talking of weather. Complaining about family. Talking sports, and health. I am tired of being the one hearing the news. Holding my breath. Waiting and watching, and eventually falling.
I just want to be, who I am. But what I really want, is to know who I am. To know if who I am, is strong enough. To know if beneath all this, there is hope. I am tired of telling myself there is, and realizing there isnt. I am tired of pushing on, waiting for the next shoe to fall. I am tired of avoiding things, and smiling and pretending.
I dont want to make things better, I want things to be better. I dont want to smile, I want to be happy. I dont want to tell everyone that it will be ok….I want it to be ok. I just want an end…to all of this. To know that it ends. Somewhere.
I am tired tonight. And wouldnt mind giving up.