I have always struggled with this question, or answer maybe. I have seen so many people log into say things like “This is the last post I will be writing.” or “Im just here to say I dont know when I will be back here.” Or something to the effect of that. And every time I wonder the same thing. “Will there be a time when I decide to close up shop?” to to speak. When I first started writing, I would change places around every six months. Not sticking around long enough to make sense of anything. And then I landed here, and havent left. For almost five years.
Writing. Everything and anything. Not worrying about whos reading, not having to worry. Making friends here has been easy – everyone knows everything about me anyways, so there is nothing to hide. Or worry about. I am me in my truest form, and the people who know that, and accept that, have nothing to be surprised about when I mention something off the wall. Its safe, here. In a way. I am who I am, nothing to hide, nothing to worry about.
And then I discover, that I have been found.
That for the past few days, people I have tried to love and care about – have been reading this. Have been reading back as far as they can, “Getting to know me” and then throwing my words up in my face – demanding that I explain them, to them. And as quick as it came, its gone.
It no longer feels “Safe.” I no longer can say what I want, without having to worry. The past few weeks I have been pondering over what to do. Thinking of the numerous ways I could end things here. Not ready to cut the ties with an old friend, not ready to pack up and move on. Not ready. But unsure. So unsure. And so I bring it up, and get jokes about it. I get told to just delete it and start over. Delete what? The past? My past? As if it will all just disappear. As quickly as it came.
And so I wait. And ponder. And think. And realize. It doesnt matter. So I slowly step back in.
I test the waters, and try my hand at it again. And again. And again. Because I am who I am, no matter who knows. I owe no one an explanation, I owe no one a reason for being who I am. This is me. At my rawest. My truest. Me. In all aspects, with no worries of who reads.
And I will be damned if that is taken away. Again.