What I have

Last night for whatever the reason, was just one of those frustrating nights where nothing goes right.  No one was happy, and nothing would come easy.  As my luck would have it, I was tired and the kids were hyped up on something.  In the midst of attempting to play the roll of the “Call and collect” person we all know Im not, I just tossed my hands in the air and walked off.

There was nothing else I could do besides loose my cool, and I was not going to do that.  And so I walked away.  Getting the kids to settle down was not going to happen.  Getting Josh to calm down was DEFINITELY not happening, and I walked off, leaving the flailing mess of legs and arms on the couch where I didn’t want them to be, but right where they had decided to land.  The “Limp noodle” was in full play and I could tell from his looks that he was simply toying with me.  He wasn’t upset, wasn’t sad, or hurt.  He was just playing.  And I was going to ruin his moment because I was tired.

So I left.

I walked outside for a break.  And to think of all the many ways life has changed.  In a good way, for the most part.  Things are good.  Even though I am and have been reluctant to say those words.  The words that imply I am happy – and life is sailing smooth for a while.  Those words.  That come back to haunt me every time I say them.  Inside were three mostly happy kids.  Who, aside from occasional sugar highs, and cabin fever are mostly good kids.  Despite anything I may try and do to them.

When I walked back in, I didn’t hear the high pitch squeals one would expect to hear.  Instead I heard laughter.  The gut rippling laughter that comes from the deepest part of the stomach and shakes you whole body and everyone around.  With occasional shrieks.

On the couch I saw a pair of legs.  Kicking, violently.  While on the floor Madison sat with Joshs head locked inbetween her arms.  I couldn’t make out what she was saying, but every few seconds she would raise her free hand and Josh would shriek before she tickled him – resulting in the fits of laughter.

The moments I live for.

Being played out before my eyes.

Sure.  They fight.  They argue.  Shes the only girl, and fights for her space, and her voice.  While he does the same.  Not because hes a girl, but because he has to yell louder to be heard sometimes.  Hes little, shes big.  Shes older, hes younger.  The age gap between is seven years.  And while that used to be the one thing that held their relationship together – it seems to be the driving wedge between the two of them.  Shes off to bigger, better, and brighter.  Shes expanding her view, and stepping off into the world of the unknown.  And hes struggling to make friends.  He adores them.  You can see it is his eyes, they way he watches, and mimics.  He waits, and runs, and tries to keep up.  But often falls short.  He wants their attention, but sometimes just doesn’t measure up to their adventures.  And that’s ok.  I don’t expect them to wait on him hand and foot.

They love him, he knows it.  I know it.  It’s the unspoken bond between a sibling that isn’t a sibling.

And there on the floor, between fits of giggles and laughter…

Lay the very reason of my existence.  My happiness.  My reason.  My “Why.”

As if I had asked for a sign, a reason.  A “Why am I doing this again?” question…my answer came.  This.  This is why.  This is why I fought so hard to get them back.  This is why I wanted to keep them together, when I KNOW there is better out there, and more that I cant give.  THIS.  Is something that cant be bought.  And cant be taught.  Its something that just is.  And its something that when the days get tough, and the doubt far outweighs any logic or reason…reminds me.  It reminds me that this is why.  This is it.  They have each other.

This isn’t a fairy tale with happy endings and butterflies.  The moment was short lived and came to an abrupt halt when someone’s foot met someone’s nose.  But in those few moments…I was reminded of what I needed to be.  And given that little push, that extra shove…that quiet reminder.

Life isn’t perfect.  But its good.  And I don’t need perfect to be happy.  I just need this.  And a reminder every once and a while doesnt hurt either.


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