Wednesday will be seven years. Today, almost seven years ago. I didn’t say good bye. Because saying good bye just meant it was true. Confirming my fears. Accepting the truth.
It doesn’t surprise me, that seven years have gone. At times it seems like more. At times it seems like yesterday.
Today. Seven years. The only thing that surprises me, is that seven years later, I am still here. Still living. Not just going through the motions. Not just existing. But living. Breathing. Smiling. As if nothing happened. Me. The person who swore I couldn’t live a day without her, am here today. Almost seven years later.
In a way, I am shocked. Shocked that I AM still here. But not only here, but that I have returned to a place where I can honestly say I am ok. And I am still breathing. And not just grieving.
Everyday. Is a step further away. Something that scares me, but something I cant control. Every breath is a breath further away. Further away from the pain, but further away from her. Further away from the known, and closer to the unknown.
Today, as I think through the past seven years, I remember a day. Where I honestly didn’t know if I would make it another minute. The heart shatter pain that rain through my veins. I was left in a place. I felt like I was failing her, letting go. For a long time I had tried. Tried to “move” on. And “Let go” and it isn’t until recently that I realized something. It wasn’t UP to me when I let go. I couldn’t let go, because I wasn’t ready. I remember being in that place. Scared to let go, knowing I was. Somehow. But not knowing how. Loosing control. Fearing the future.
I remember it all, like it was yesterday.
But Im here.
Seven years later, smiling. Most days.
Because as much as it hurts, as hard as it is, as much as I hated to do it. I had to. I had to say good bye. I had to admit. I had to accept. Accept the pain, and the sadness. So I could heal. So I could not be left behind with the pain and anguish that came from loosing my daughter. But instead live today, and remember her. And love her. And hear her.
In saying good bye, I didn’t say good bye to her. I didn’t say good bye to the memories or the love. I didn’t say good bye to the pain. Or the sorrow. It wasn’t the magic cure. But I said good bye to all my perceived ideas of what I should be doing, and who I should be. I freed myself, from being left in a past that wasn’t worth staying in.
My biggest fear was leaving them. Loosing them. Forgetting them. And yet seven years later…As hard as it is to be here…without her…I still remember her. As clearly as I did then, if not clearer. Because my memories arent shadowed with fear of loosing her. Shes free, and Im free with her.