I worry sometimes, that now, just when things have seemed to smooth over, that suddenly…life is going to pull the sheet out from under our feet and land us on the ground, gasping for air. Its how its always been. Right when life reaches its peek – there is always a downside. For a while now, I have worried that if life goes smoothly for too long, something will happen. And often times I am left stressed out and worried, waiting for something that never happens. I wonder if this will ever pass. I try, to enjoy the moment, and the day, and this life…but sometimes, its hard to enjoy something – while waiting for it to collapse like a tower of cards.
Trusting is not something that comes naturally to me. I don’t trust people, I don’t trust life, I don’t trust myself. Im not the glass is always half full kind of person. And with every turn of a door knob, or key or ring of a telephone – I am always wondering if this will be “The moment.” When in the midst of something, a laugh with the kids, a moment with just one of them, a day where things go well – I am always wondering. Will I look back on this moment and wish I had done more? Will this be one of those “Last moments?” And of course, what if. I know you cant go back and change things, but I can go forward. And change the present. So if I were looking back – what would I wish I could change. What would be the “What if” moment of today?
It gets tiresome. This life is so dang stressful sometimes, that when the good moments of life come, I would really like to enjoy them. But instead Im fighting them with everything in me. And sometimes…that seems so old. So overdone. So over said. So repeated. So…mundane.
With winter break, and the kids off school – I have left every morning, with them sleeping soundly, and returned everyday to them…not sleeping so soundly. Everyday when I get home, I shut the engine off, and sit for a split second before rushing off into life, part two. It seems sometimes that I am living two lives. The work life, and the home life. And somewhere in between is me, rushing madly back and forth trying to make peace with everything inside.
Its not something I take lightly, and something I try not to take advantage of. I can get up from a fall. I can climb out from dark, deep holes. If faced with a challenge, I push forward with everything in me and hang on until the very end.
But it seems as though everything has come to a halt. Im not being forced to live, or get up in the morning. I get up every morning, and while I sometimes hit the snooze button – its not me wanting to disappear for the day. I go to work, and don’t go looking to hide and run from life. I come home, and don’t hesitate to rush into the madness that this world has handed me. I get upset, I don’t keep my cool, I get frustrated. But I don’t have to constantly pick myself up. I don’t have to force myself daily. And while that sounds nice – its somewhat concerning. Its new. Im not used to it.
Im not complaining, Im just trying. To be ok with this. To be ok…with things being…ok. Its not something Im used to. And while I am fighting it, I think in some small way, I am becoming ok with it. Being ok with not having to struggle to keep my head above water. To not have to fight to stay afloat. To not HAVE to grab at every single lifeline that comes my way. To exist. To smile. To open the door and have a rush of excitement as three kids who annoy and frustrated me, rattle off what their hopes, dreams, and plans.
And while I hardly know if what I am doing is right, this. Today. Here. Now. Seems right.
It just seems right.