Tonight…

I want to walk off the edge of the earth.

Tonight I just feel like Im trying to hold together something that wasn’t meant to be.  Like if I just let go, everything would fall into place and everyone would be happy.  Its been building, these past few weeks.  So it really shouldn’t surprise me that tonight, it all came crashing down.

I just wonder – how long can something stay together?  Something that wasn’t meant to be, something that has been forced, and tried, and held to tightly that for a while maybe just maybe you think its suppose to be that way.  As if shoving the wrong piece into the hole enough times, it will suddenly just go.  I am just tired.  Of.  Trying.

The only problem it seems, with letting go, is that there really isn’t anywhere else TO go.  It’s that false sense I put up.  That “Hold on tight” and pretend its going to be alright.  The close your eyes and maybe it will go away.  Jump in the air, close your eyes and maybe just maybe you will fly.  The I am two inches off the ground I must be in space.

It just isn’t.

There is no filler.  The pieces simply don’t fit in the hole, and I cant make it.  I cant fix it.  Cant change it.  But cant let go of everything either.  I cant throw my hands in the air, I cant give up, but I cant keep shoving and pretending, and trying, and pleading, and wishing, and simply hoping.

Ive failed so many many times, that I guess I falsely believed this time would be different.  Thought that maybe after a hundred and twenty times of things simply NOT fitting, that THIS time would be the charm.  That it would do the trick.  That if I danced around enough, closed my eyes and shut enough things out…that this would make it.

To let go.  Would be easy.  To fall.  Would be easy.  To get back up would be impossible.  But is it the best?

Is the easy way out always the right way?  And how long do you keep trying, and trying and trying and trying…after you realize its simply NOT working…before you give up the fight and let it go.

“There is nothing that sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.”

I think, however, the real question is – when do you admit it?  When do you give up your fight, for the thing you thought was so right, and surrender to defeat.  Again.

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One comment

  1. my dad always said the easy way/decision is always the wrong one – it’s the hard decision/way that is the right one and looking back at the decisions I’ve made in my life I think he’s right. Hope things are better.

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